I, Love

01 - I'm too good for you

Jennifer's POV

I was in the kitchen, waiting for Alex to come downstairs to eat.
„Papi?", I yelled upstairs and waited for his response. Nothing. „Papi, you coming?", I yelled again.

I rolled my eyes and sat at the kitchen island to eat. After a few minutes he came downstairs, staring into his phone. As he walked passed me, he gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.
„Lunch's ready, I've been waiting for you.", I said a little upset.
„Mhmh", he replied, still looking at his phone while he took a seat across from me.
„Put that damn thing away for a second and have lunch with me, god damnit.", I was pissed. Recently he's been glued to his phone and I already talked to him about how it makes me feel. Like he's not really here with me, like something in that damn phone is more important than spending time with me, looking at me, comforting me.

„What's with that attitude?", he replied and put his phone down.
I shook my head and looked down at my plate.
„Forget it.", I mumbled and took another bite.
„Jennifer, come on, I put it away."
I rolled my eyes, exhaled through my nose and continued eating.
He stood up and walked over to me, hugging me from behind as he started kissing my neck.
„Don't be mad.", he muttered into my neck.
„But I am.", I replied, not letting his actions stop me from being mad at him.
„Come on, mami.", he started to suck my neck slightly between kisses. That eventually made me giggle.
„Stop.", I said giggling.
„Forgive me, and I will."
I got his attention and his touch. Him being present. That's all I want right now and this is what I need and what makes me happy. And I couldn't hide that.
He kept sucking on my neck and his hands cupped my boobs.
„I'm not sure if I can.", I said smiling, pushed his hands off of me and turned around on my chair. „Make me." I grinned and bit my lip.

He placed his hands on my sides and lifted me up on the island, kissing me wildly. I wrapped my legs around him and pulled him closer.
He broke away from my lips and kissed me on my chin, moving to my neck, my collarbone and my breasts, as he pushed my shirt down, to uncover my left boob. His other hand was on my back, holding me up and close to him.

I enjoyed his attention and love so much and let out little moans as he started sucking on my nipple. I grabbed his head and ran my fingers through his hair. Then I heard his phone going off. He turned his head immediately to look at the screen and my nipple slid out of his mouth with a smacking noise.

„Baby, no.", I begged him.
„I gotta take a quick look, could be work."
„Can't it wait?", I begged again and added whispering: „I really need you right now."
I cupped his face and kissed him hungrily.
He reached behind me and grabbed his phone as I started kissing his neck.
„Hi!", he answered the call.
I kept kissing him as he was speaking.
„Mhmh. Oh yeah yeah, we could do that.", he kept talking and talking.
That's it. I stopped kissing him, pushed him away, jumped off the island and fixed my shirt. I didn't even look at him when I walked out of the room. He didn't seem to care much though, he was laughing at something when I left.

As I walked out I felt tears building up and I started to cry when I walked into our bedroom. We used to be different. He used to be different. There were times when I was his only focus. No phone call or whatever would've stopped him from having sex with me or giving me any kind of attention. Now I felt like I have to fight for it. And although I fight, I feel like it's not enough anymore. I don't want to fight for love, I can't put myself through this anymore. I value and love myself too much to do that. And I'm tired of fighting.
I curled up on our bed and buried my face in my pillow. He didn't even come after me and the bed stayed as empty as I felt lonely.

After crying I got myself together, fixed my make-up and went downstairs in my office to go and get some mails checked and prepare for a zoom interview I had at 4:30pm.
The show must go on, right.

I passed Alex' office on my way, but he had closed the door.

At 5:00pm I was finally done and closed my laptop, sighing and rubbing my forehead. I went to check on Alex, his office door was still closed. I opened it quietly and peeked inside as I didn't want to interrupt him if he is on a call. He actually was. But I quickly realized the nature of the call wasn't work-related. My heart dropped when I saw a girl on his screen. She was naked, grabbing her boobs and rubbing herself. I only could see Alex' back but I could see his arm moving and I am sure he's doing himself.

I stepped in his office and slammed the door shut. He jumped a little and hastily tried to close the window where the naked girl now stood still, staring at Alex.

He managed to shut it and turned around facing me and I was at glad to see he was at least fully dressed.

My heart was pumping hard and I felt angry and hurt.
„I.. I thought you were working!", he gasped.
„Seriously!? And I think you own me at least an apology instead of a lame ass excuse. What was that, who is that bitch?", I yelled and moved my hands around.
He stood up and came walking towards me.
„I'm sorry! She's no one, I don't know what I was thinking."
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.
„Baby. It won't happen again.", he continued.
He stood right in front of me now and I looked up to his face.
„I'm sure it won't", I said sarcastically.
He raised his hands to touch me.
„Don't!", I exclaimed and flinched away.
„Baby, I love you. You know that. I guess I just missed your touch and sought out comfort somewhere else.", he continued with excuses.

„You must be fucking kidding me. YOU missed MY touch?", I was raging. „I'm the one trying and trying to get your fucking attention and all you do is stare into your damn phone, probably hitting on other girls." I yelled right up to his face. I can't believe him right now.
„Lower your voice.", he said sternly.
„The fuck no!", I kept yelling „I'm your fiancé, in case you forgot. Not some stupid ass bitch you can fuck with, or don't fuck with actually. 'Cause you don't fuck me anymore, Alex. You don't even seem to see me anymore."
I slightly pushed him while talking, not to hurt him, but because I was deeply hurt. How can he do that to me? He stood there solid as a rock, watching me let out my anger on him. Then he grabbed me by my shoulders.

„Stop!", he said loudly and I shrugged.
„Can we just forget about this. Please?", he continued more softly, still holding me.
I stared into his eyes. Those loving, caring eyes I once fell for. I closed my eyes and whimpered a little. I know what I had to do. I know what's right for me.

„I can't do this anymore.", I whispered and looked up to him again.
„No.", he tightened his grip on me.
And all of a sudden, he pulled me closer to him and pressed his lips on mine. I tried to get away but his grip was too tight and I somehow wasn't able to pull all my strength together to get out. Memories of how we used to be flashed my mind and I gave in and kissed him back.

A single tear formed in my eyes and ran down my cheek as we were kissing. I slowly dissolved from our kiss, put my hands on his chest and gently pushed him away. He let go of me.
„It's over, Alex. I can't fight for us anymore, it hurts too much.", I let my head down.
„Baby.", he gently placed a finger on my chin and tilted my head up, making me look at him.
„Please leave.", I begged, scared of losing the strength to send him away.
„I don't want to.", he cupped my face. „I love you so much."
„I love you too. But it's too much, I can't take it anymore. It's over. We're over. Really I.."
„I understand.", he interrupted me. „I'm so sorry mami. I'm sorry I hurt you." He hugged me and I hugged him back and started to sob.
We stayed like this for a while until we let go of each other and he left.

I took a deep breath. He's gone and it hurts.
I went to the kitchen to grab some water and texted Leah, asking her to come over.