I, Love

45 - Can You Hold Me?

Jennifer's POV

I felt like throwing up again, but that was more out of anxiety.

„Would you leave, please?", I raised my brows at him.
„Oh yeah sure.", he smiled, walked out and closed the door.

I took a deep breath. Now we're about to know.
Oh god, what if I really am pregnant? Oh god, oh god. I walked up and down the bathroom nervously.
Okay, I'll just do it.

I looked inside the bag and took one test out.
Such a small thing can change so much, I thought when I had unpacked and held the test in my hand.

„Are you good in there?", Ben yelled from outside and I shrugged.
„God, baby, don't just yell in here, I got scared."
„Sorry!"
I rolled my eyes and looked at myself in the mirror.
„Okay.", I said to myself.

I did what I had to and placed the test on the sink, then called Ben in.

„How long should we wait?", he asked.
„2 minutes.", I responded as I walked up and down again.

„Come here.", he said and opened his arms.
I came and hugged him tight. My whole body felt like one big muscle that's been tightening up.

We hugged until Ben said: „Time's over. Do you wanna look?"
I buried my head in his chest. „No. You have to."
„Okay."

He walked over and I couldn't even look at him, so I turned my back at him.

„Can you see anything?", I asked.
„I do."
I couldn't read his voice at all.
„Tell me..."

He hugged me from behind and whispered: „Positive."

I felt like the ground under my feet had been pulled away and there was no ground I could stand on anymore.

„Baby..", I heard a distant, dull voice.
I also felt a firm grip on my jaw. „Baby??
Wake up!", I heard him again.

My eyes began to flutter and I opened them. I was on the bathroom floor, Ben held me in his arms and talked to me.
„There you are!", he said and smiled.

„Wha... what happened?", I asked in a quiet voice.
„You passed out for a moment."

„Mhh.", I put my hands on my face.
„Come on, I'll get you into bed and something to eat.", he said and helped me up.

Then he swept me off my feet and carried me to our bed, where he gently put me down.
„Do we need to call your doctor?", he asked me.
„No, I'm okay."
„I'll call your gynecologist, what's his name again?"
„Dr. Liebermann. But why?"

„To make an appointment to check on you. See how far along you are."

I realized what just had happened. I am pregnant.

My eyes started to tear up. I don't need food, or something to drink. Right now, all I need is Ben.
„Can you hold me?", I asked and my voice cracked.

He instantly came to me, got under my blanked and took me into his embrace.
A few tears were rolling down my cheek quietly but I found peace and serenity hearing Ben's heartbeat.

„Everything will be fine. I promise.", he said.
And I believed him.

The next day we got the appointment.
Just to be sure, I made another test on the morning and as we expected it came out positive as well.

I still had a tiny bit of hope that it wasn't true, somehow, but also found comfort knowing that Ben really liked the idea.

We got into the doctor's office and I sat down on the chair for the physical examination.
Ben was by my side, holding my hand.

„So Ms. Lopez, you had a positive pregnancy test?", Dr. Liebermann asked while he put his gloves on.
I nodded. „Two."
„Alright, let's take a look then."

He pressed a button so the chair would change into a more lying position and put a condom as well as some lube on the ultrasonic device.

„Oh. I didn't thought it would...", Ben said.
Dr. Liebermann raised his brows at him.
„Ultrasounds at the beginning of a pregnancy are always made through the vagina. Can't see from the belly this early."

I chuckled.
„Okay then..", Ben said in an unsure voice.
„Ready?", Dr. Liebermann asked me.
„Yes.", I said quietly. I pressed Ben's hand, not because it hurt, but because I was scared and nervous.

„Let's see...", Dr. Liebermann said, moving the device inside me.
„There we go.", he held it still and pointed at the monitor.
I saw something that looked like a little peanut or a bean.
„That's your baby.", he said.

It's true. There's life inside me. I inhaled deeply and exhaled very slow. But luckily, I didn't panick. Probably because I knew already
and the whole situation was overwhelming.

Ben and I pressed our hands and Dr. Liebermann pressed a button on the device next to him. We heard a wooshing sound, then the sound changed and we heard little and fast pumps. I instantly knew what it was. My baby's heartbeat. Our baby's heartbeat.

„Oh my god.", I whispered while Ben kissed me on the top of my head.

„Everything looks perfect, the fetus is measured 7 weeks and 3 days, so you're 8 weeks pregnant.", Dr. Lieberman explained.
„And everything looks perfectly fine so far."

We just kept staring at that little bean.
„What is that?", Ben asked and pointed at a round thing next to our bean. „It's not..."

„It's the yolk sac, it'll disappear in the following weeks.", Dr. Liebermann explained.

„Ugh, okay.", I was relieved. One baby was difficult enough to process, not to mention two.

He pulled the device out so I could stand up and get dressed and we sat at Dr. Liebermanns desk.

„So here's the first picture of your baby.", he said and handed us the photo. „I have to tell you though that because of your age this will be a high-risk pregnancy and I want you monitored well. Now this doesn't mean you can't continue with your life as you're used to. But it means there's a higher risk for yours and the baby's health."

I swallowed. „Okay.. so, I can do everything like I used to?"

„Yes", he smiled at me. „Your body will tell you when it's too much, so you should listen. I know you always take good care of yourself and your health. But maybe just... a little less stress.", he said and smiled again.

I nodded. Ben turned his head towards me and said: „You heard him."
I nudged him. „Yeah."

We walked out through the back door of the office and went to our car in the garage.
We held hands hands and it felt like Ben was holding mine extra tight.

At my door we stopped and I turned around. „So... a baby.", Ben said and smiled.
„A baby...", I replied quietly. First I looked at him, then I let my head down, trying not to cry again. I was still scared. More than that.

Ben put his fingers on my chin and lifted my head up.
„Baby if you don't... if you don't want it, we can talk about it.", he said. I looked up into his beautiful eyes.

His words kind of hurt, but I also appreciated them.

„No...", I said quietly. „It's not like I don't want it, it's just... I don't know. It's scary."

He pulled me into his embrace once again, making me feel safe.
I sighed very hearable.
„Let's go home and then we'll talk, okay?", he suggested.

I nodded and we shared a beautiful and intimate kiss.