I, Love

29 - Grieving

Jennifer's POV

I sat there for a while, crying. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I'm the one who did that to myself.

At some point I crawled back into bed. My phone started ringing, it was Benny.
I didn't pick up. He called again.
And again.
Until I picked up.

„Where you at?", he asked me.
„What?", I answered.
„What's up?", he asked me, because he noticed my voice was different.
I sobbed.
„I'm just not good Benny.", I couldn't get myself to say out loud that Ben left.
„Do you need anything?", he asked.
„No. I just need to be alone."
„Okay, I got your back.", he said.
„But you need to be back on track tomorrow, you hear me?"
„Okay. Thank you."
We hung up.

I remembered we had an appointment with my record label.

5 minutes later, Leah called.
„Fuck!", I said out loud.
Can't I just suffer in peace?

I picked up.
„Jen!", Leah sounded aroused.
„What?"
„I've been texting you, did you not see it?"
„No, what's up?", I asked.
„Are you okay?", she asked.
„I'm not..", I said quietly. „But what's so important?"
„Ben was here."
I sat up in bed.
„What? When?"
„Last night."
„Why?"
„He asked me about us. You told him what happened?"

I sighed.
„I did... He... he really visited you? What did you say?"
„He wanted the truth and I told him that... god I hope you don't hate me. I told him that I have feelings for you. And he asked me if you do for me as well but I told him he needed to ask you that. Please don't be mad."
I wasn't mad at all.
„I'm not mad. He came home after that apparently... But he...", my voice cracked. „We talked and he.. he left Leah.. he left.."
It felt like someone put a plastic bag over my head and I'm running out of air. I could barely breathe.
I stood up, walked to the window and opened it, gasping for air.

„Jen! Jen, are you okay?", Leah raised her voice worried.
The fresh air was helping and I felt like I could breathe a little more.
„Do you want me to come over?", Leah asked.

The thought of her comforting me while I cried over Ben was... weird to say the least.

„I.. I don't know.", I said and still find it hard to breathe.
„Just... call me if you need me, okay?", Leah said.
„Okay..", I whispered.

We hung up and I stood a while by the window, until I felt like my breathing had normalized. I started feeling dizzy because I didn't eat anything today.

I went to the kitchen and saw that my chef had already prepared my shake. Thank god.
I grabbed it and went back upstairs to lay in bed again.

When I was finished, my bell rang. Can't a girl have a hard day in peace?
I walked downstairs and it was Leah.
I opened up and as soon as she saw my face, she almost teared up herself and hugged me.
„My god, Jennifer. I'm so sorry."
I fell in her arms crying.
After all, she was still my best friend and I loved her even more for that.

We walked to the bedroom arm in arm, she covered me in my sheets and layed down with me so that I could find comfort in her arms.

My head rested on her chest and she ran her fingers through my hair as I cried. We didn't talk. She was just there to hold me while I grieved.

I nodded off for half an hour or something. When I woke up, she was still there, my head still rested on her chest and she was still caressing my head.

„I can't live without him, you know.", I said in a quiet tone.
„I know baby.", she replied. „I'm so sorry, Jennifer. It's my fault. I teased you until.."
„Stop it.", I said and lifted my head to look at her. She seemed deeply sorry. „It's mine. Not yours."
„I feel like I did that to you. Like I'm the reason you're so miserable right now."
„It was my decision. All of it.", I replied quietly.

We looked at each other and I pecked her lips softly, then layed my head back on her chest again.

„Have you eaten?", Leah asked me.
„I had my shake."
„It's 3:30 and you had half of it.", she said, pointing her head towards my shake.
„I'm not hungry.", I replied. I truly wasn't.
The only thing I felt was pain.

Leah insisted on cooking for me, so I let her. I had one bite of the pasta she made, and I did it just to please her. I just could not eat.

Leah stayed overnight to keep me company and I was thankful for that. She held me everytime I cried and she made it somehow easier. Less terrible.

The next day I had to get up early for work and Leah had to as well.

I tried my best to look normal and cover up my swollen eyes. I wore sunglasses as I arrived at the dancing studio. We had to practice for a performance I was having.

Work always helps and I could focus on that, instead of my feelings.
Unfortunately we put „I'm Glad" on the tracklist. A song that I normally don't perform, but I felt comfortable with it, now that I was with Ben again.
Except, I wasn't anymore.

As soon as the first notes of it played, it hit me. I walked outside fast to escape the music and I felt my breathing coming shorter again.

I breathed loud and tears were rolling down my face. Benny came outside and was startled to see me this way.
„Jennifer!", he yelled and ran the last steps to me, wanting to hug me.
„No!", I pushed his arms away. I felt like a hug would take my ability to breathe away completely.

„Look at me!", he said and raised his voice.
„Slower! Breathe much slower.", he said calmly.
I tried to do what he said. And after a while, it started to work.
He put his hand on my arm and squeezed it.
„Yeah, good."

My breathing normalized and I felt like I was getting enough air.
„Can you tell me what's wrong?", he asked.

I closed my eyes, frowned and shook my head. I couldn't.
„I can't help you if you don't.", he said.
„No one can help me.", I replied.
„Jennifer I bet that.."
„Ben... left...", I managed to say and tried to breathe slow as it felt like air was getting less again.
Benny looked at me pitiful. „I'm so sorry.", he said. „Why did he... nevermind."
He said, as he saw my eyes when he asked that question.

„I can't perform I'm Glad, Benny. I can't."
„Okay. We'll replace it with something else.", he said calmly.
I nodded, wiped my face and got back inside.
The show must go on, right.

We rehearsed all the dance elements for hours and it was exhausting. I didn't eat yesterday and I only had a shake this morning and now it was taking it's toll on me.

When we rehearsed the latin dance part, I held on one dancers legs to do the rollover, but my brain couldn't take it. After the rollover I blacked out, missed a step and fell.

When I opened my eyes a lot of people were looking down at me, while the dancer held me and slapped my cheeks carefully.

„Jennifer. Hey wake up!"

My eyes fluttered. Benny came running with a coke in his hands.
„Drink.", he said and held a straw to my mouth.
I did and I slowly felt better and sat up.

„Okay, enough for today, sorry guys. See you tomorrow!", Tabitha, my creative director, said to all the dancers standing around.

„I'm sorry.", I whispered to them, not sure if they could hear me.
„I know what you're doing.", Benny said.
„You suffer, and you don't eat. You need to eat!"
He sounded worried and a little mad.
„I'm just not.. hungry.", I replied.
„But you see what's happening, yes? So eat. You have to."
I took another sip from the coke.
„Promise!", Benny said.
„Okay, I will."
„I'll call in to check on you."
„I don't need a babysitter, Benny.", I rolled my eyes at him.
„Apparently, you do.", he answered.