I, Love

32 - It's Killing Me

Jennifer's POV

I looked at her.
„You think so?"

„Yes!", she said. „You're miserable baby. Fight for him. Go tell him how much you love and need him."
Leah put one palm on the side of my face and pecked my lips.
„Okay.", I whispered. „Thank you."

Two days passed and I didn't call him. Or visited him. Instead I drowned myself in work. Simply because I was afraid that he would send me away and end things between us completely. I couldn't stand the thought, so it was easier to not know.
He didn't call or text either. And there wasn't a day, I didn't cry over him.

But this evening I felt different. I felt like I really should do something about it. Go and get my man back.

My driver dropped me off at Ben's and I asked him to leave until I'd text him.

My heart was beating almost out of my chest when I stood at Ben's front door and my hand was shaking when I pressed the doorbell.

Ben opened and looked surprised to see me.

Ben's POV

Seeing Jennifer was surprising, but it lit up my day seeing her pretty face again. I immediately noticed how nervous she was and that she had lost some pounds.
Her eyes looked slightly swollen. Still she held such incredible beauty.

„Jennifer.", I said.
„Hi..", she said softly and her voice was shaking a little.
„What are you.. what do you..?", I asked but wasn't able to finish the sentence.
„I... I miss you and I'm here to...", she took a deep breath and tried to hold back her tears.
„I can't live without you, Ben.", she said with an incredibly hurt look on her face and a tear ran down her face.

My heart stopped. I can't stand seeing her like that.

She looked down and wiped the tears away that were now streaming down her face. She stepped from side to side nervously, like she was in physical pain.
„Say something, please.", she begged quietly and looked at me.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted nothing more than to tell her that everything's going to be okay but I couldn't.

„Jennifer, I...", I said and looked at her.
„I see..", she said and it looked like I just ripped her heart out of her chest. She started breathing heavier.
„I... I'll just go then.", she whispered and turned around.

I stood at my door and watched her walk away. All of a sudden she stopped and crouched down. It looked like she was gasping for air.

„Jennifer!!", I yelled and ran towards her.
When I reached her I saw that she was grabbing her chest and really gasped for air. It looked like she was panicking.
„Jennifer, hey!", I crouched down to her side and touched her back.
She flinched, then looked at me.
„Okay, you... you need to breathe slower.", I told her, not sure if I was doing the right thing.
„Baby, look at me.", I said as her eyes were drifting away from me.

I got on my knees, pulled her into my arms and hugged her, while I rubbed her back. With my other hand I covered her mouth to stop her from hyperventilating.
„Shhh... breathe slow baby.", I spoke to comfort her.
It felt amazing holding her in my arms. Her body was shaking, but slowly she calmed down. Her head was resting on my chest and I could smell her scent. How I've missed that.

She started moving her body, put her hand on my shirt and grabbed it into her fist. Like she was holding on for life. She started sobbing, so I took the hand that was on her mouth and put it on her head to caress her gently. A few tears were rolling down my face as well.

We stayed like this for a while. Sitting in the dark in the middle of my driveway. Until she slowly got up, saying: „I'll better call my driver."

„No.", I said immediately and got up as well. „You can stay. I mean.. if.. if you want to. I just don't want you to be alone after..."
She looked at me with puffy eyes.

„I.. yes, sure.", she answered and a light smile appeared on her face.

We walked inside and I put one arm around her, because I wasn't sure how she was after what just happened.

Inside I made her sit on the couch, handed her a blanket and gave her some water.
„Thank you,", she said. „Usually I'm good when it's over."
„Usually? Is that a regular thing to happen?", I asked astonished and sat next to her.
„It happened a few times since...", she inhaled shakily „Since you left." She looked down on her lap.

„Oh Jennifer.", I said and pulled her into my arms again. We hugged and released.
I looked at her and thought about what to do.
Suddenly I noticed a tiny dark spot on her neck. It looked like a hickey.

„What about Leah?", I asked.
„What do you mean?"
„Are you and her... still seeing each other?"
„Ben... I told you that.. yes we are. She actually helped me when I was at my lowest."
„I can see that..", I muttered.
„What?", she asked.
„Nothing.", I said because I didn't want to fight with her.

„How are you?", she asked. „Do you...miss me?"
I never told her how much I'm actually suffering.
„I do. Everyday. Jennifer I love you and not being with you is killing me, to say the least."
She narrowed her eyebrows and closed her eyes for a second, trying not to cry, then smiled at me. It looked like she was relieved to hear that I'm missing her too.

I continued: „It's not like I don't want to be with you. I want to. Everyday. But the whole situation with Leah is... it's not easy and I don't know if I can do this.." I grabbed her hand and squeezed it.
„I understand that.", she said. „And I know it's not fair to do this to you and I.. I'm deeply sorry, baby."

She put her other hand on the side of my face when she said those last words.

I looked into her eyes and I truly believed her.
I leaned in to kiss her and my heart jumped like crazy when our lips got closer and closer.

Our lips met and it felt like a firework was bursting between us. We kissed very gently and it didn't last long, because I was reserved. I didn't want to raise false hopes on her.
But man, it felt so damn good to kiss her. My baby with her pretty face and her adorable lips.

„Are you okay?", I asked her.
„What do you mean? I'm... not okay, you know that."
„I mean for today. If you'll go home you won't panic or pass out or something?"
She looked disappointed.
„I think I'll be fine."
I thought about it.
„If you feel better this way, you can stay.", I suggested. „But, you'll have to stay in the guestroom.."
She smiled softly. „I'd love that, thank you."

I gave her one of my shirts to sleep in and walked her to the guest room.
At the door she turned around to face me and our faces were just inches away from each other.
„Thank you.", she said softly, tilted her head slightly to the side and looked into my eyes, then at my lips.
„It's.. you're welcome.", I managed to say.
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me on my cheek, very close to my lips.
I closed my eyes and exhaled. It was hard not to kiss her, throw her on the bed and make love to her.

She turned around and walked to the bed, then looked over her shoulders and said „Goodnight", with a sweet smile on her face.
I think she knew exactly how tempting she is.

„Goodnight.", I said and stared at her. Then I closed the door and walked to my bedroom.