lethal cure | javon walton

nineteen

javon's pov:

after what harlee said to me in the car, I cant help the pressure from my guilt entering my body.

I can tell she has feelings for me, but it's also obvious she is blocking them off because she's scared of getting hurt.

with harlee I feel as if I am being blocked off from getting to know the real her--or maybe this is just my way of processing things.

it's simple to say that harlee has interested me a lot more than girls in the past have. mainly because she hasn't been begging for my attention.

I also know that I have that control over her, but there's a piece of me that doesn't want to use it like I normally would. I just don't want to take advantage of her as I would've in the past.

it's hard for me to see where we are with each other. I hate relationships and anything that has to do with commitment.

I've only been in a relationship once before, and every time I talk to a girl my intentions are bad. and as bad as it sounds I have reasonings behind why I act this way.

which isn't a valid excuse..

it's just hard for me to fully give up that part of myself.

and it's actually enjoyable... knowing you have control over a girl. making them believe whatever you say, and having them be vulnerable. it's become too easy for me.

crazy enough, it's actually what connected jaden, and I to ethan.  it sounds pretty sad that that's how we started our friendship, but it's truthful.

at the start, I thought that harlee would just be fun to try and get with. especially since she's hard to get.

and to be completely honest, it could still be that way. I could just get with her and this could all be done.

I wouldn't have to worry about hurting her. which is my main concern.

I would hate for it to come to that, but it just may have to. because on an emotional level, I feel like we haven't connected like we should have to be in this play relationship. but at the same time I have no idea what it feels like to genuinely care about someone.

so even if we did have a connection, I wouldn't be able to recognize it. which is the worst part of all this, because she could feel a completely different way than I do.

which is why I'm trying to get to know her as much as I can before I make my final decision.

"you nervous?" my groggy voice asked as we entered the skating rink.

the cold air hitting every inch of my exposed skin as I made my way onto the smoothed ice.

Icould see her out of the corner of my eye, struggling to get across to where I was.

she scoffed, gliding herself along the wall to get to me, "I'm not the best skater, if you couldn't already tell."

I looked down to her as she instantly collapsed into my arms the minute she let go of the wall.

she blushed deeply while I helped her regain her balance. the ice slipped underneath her skates as soon as I let go of her arm.