Into the Earth.
Kai had surely chosen it at random, not having a clue what the song meant to him. The memory was blurry now, mostly because he'd tried to repress it for his own sake, but it had been the first bit of music he'd listened to on his birthday. After Vania had left his room, after he'd made the false promise he knew he could never uphold, after Kai had excitedly texted him asking to see his new soulmark.
Kai had no idea that Cole couldn't even listen to that damn song anymore without thinking of him . About what could've been, about what might have happened if he had just come clean immediately rather than hiding it like his life depended on it. About having everything go absolutely perfectly, about taking Kai to that soulmate dance Vania and Skylor were going to, about pulling him in by his stupid hat and kissing his stupid lips, about—
Ahem. Focus on the game.
"I assume you wanna play on easy? So you don't get butt hurt when you fail the song?" Absolutely not. He was not going to take that hit to his ego, thank you very much.
"You're only talking shit because you're not the one going first." He grabbed the controller out of Kai's hands and selected the hardest difficulty because, while most likely a bad idea given that he hadn't played in months, he had a physiological need to one-up Kai at any given opportunity.
Cole cracked his knuckles in an exaggerated show of preparation as the song loaded. He took one last sip of his (now partially melted) slushie for good luck, before briefly turning back to Kai. "Don't be upset when you can't beat my score, okay?"
"I hate you." He rolled his eyes and sat down on his bed to watch. Before Cole had any time to think of a comeback, the game chimed to signify the start of the song, and his attention immediately snapped back to the game. It was clear his ability had somewhat dwindled due to not having played recently, missing a few notes near the beginning and barely hitting the ones he did manage to press in time. He ignored Kai's mocking laughter and focused his energy on hand-eye coordination.
He found his rhythm a few seconds in and, while not perfect, managed to get back into the swing of things. He surely wouldn't be getting any high scores this game, but he'd be content as long as he could get an above average score to shove in Kai's face. He was doing well right until around halfway through the song, when a pair of lyrics hit him like a wave, pulling him underneath the current and leaving him gasping for air.
'With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending?
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space.'
It all crashed into him again, wave after wave and his fingers froze, skipping a note and going off-beat for a few seconds. "Shit." He whispered, brows furrowed as he attempted to regain his composure, brain racing with thoughts he'd rather not think. What if he kept hiding that secret? How far would he go? A picture crossed his mind, an all-too familiar one.
Kai settling for dating outside his soulmark, assuming he and his soulmate simply weren't destined to meet, and Cole watching from the sidelines with a pain in his heart. It would be the consequences of his own selfish actions, he knew that well. He knew that he'd deserve it when the time came, knew that it would be his own damn fault, but it didn't make the thought any less painful.
Would that be a better or worse fate than simply coming clean? Would it be better to lose his best friend or deal with the permanent guilt weighing on his chest for the rest of his life? He guessed it didn't really matter. He'd still grow old alone, and Kai would end up with someone just as beautiful and sweet as he was. Someone that wouldn't have hidden their soulmark from him for months on end to satisfy their own selfish desires. Someone he actually deserved. Someone that probably should've been his soulmate to begin with.
