Book: Our love is like... questionable?
Author: Stunriolo-Fan
Reviewer: DHBurnside
Chapters reviewed: 1-5
Ideas - 4 - this was a unique idea and interesting to follow
Details and content - 4 - a lot of detail to the world
Organisation/structure - 4 - easy to follow
Introduction and closure - 4 - very good hook first chapter and close
Voice - 4 very clear to follow
Word choice - 4 - good
Spelling 3 small errors
Analysis 3 good
First off, this is a great idea. The first chapter was so well written. I was very hooked from the beginning and breezed through it.
There was too much 'she' in the chapter. I would recommend trying restructuring the sentences to reduce and remove somewhere it isn't necessary.
There were a couple of unnecessary over-explanations. Like for example, after a dramatic sentence, it says 'She tried to explain'. We understood she tried to explain already just by the sentence so it's not necessary and just adding words for the sake of adding words. Another example in chapter two the match was over-explained towards the end. I would reduce this as it just felt a little dragged out.
There's a bit of a plot hole with the families wouldn't one of his parents be submissive and the other dominant? Why wouldn't there be any submissives in the families at all if a submissive needs to be matched with a dominant? Chapter three there is a lot of over-explaining again, particularly about the school and classes. There was also a lot of telling and not showing in this chapter for example when Nate was annoyed at his brothers.
Chapter four was basically a repeat of the previous chapters and I think it makes it less engaging. Remove a lot of the overtelling of this chapter and I think it would be so much better to read.
Chapter five the reference to 'it happened on a Tuesday' wasn't the climax I thought it was going to be. I think this hook was very clever and I wouldn't waste it on closing the argument between the brothers. It was very dragged out and nothing really happened in these chapters with the argument. I think building up for the 13th birthday should have been a bigger focus.
Overall, a story with great potential with some work. Happy writing.
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