Be My Teacher || K.SJ

F I F T Y E I G H T

As soon as the air hits me, I can't hold back the pain any longer.

Strained, deep cries escape my throat, tears streaming down my face. I'm almost running down Jin's long driveway, wanting to be anywhere but here.

I don't want to be anywhere. Right now I feel numb, like my mind has stopped working and all it can focus on is the pain and hurt from what just happened.

I exit out the main gate and sit on a nearby bench, huddled over myself as I let the cries out. But they're silent.

I'm confused.

I don't know what happened. Why he suddenly felt this way. Why he talked to me so carelessly. Why he had to hurt me the way he did.

Jin has always been cold, but this was another level. This was borderline sociopathic.

After a few minutes, I manage to compose myself just enough to get home without any unwanted attention. 

I slam the front door behind me, thankful my Dad is at work. I run upstairs into my room and fall on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, tears rolling down my temples and dampening my hair.

I knew we wouldn't last forever. I knew that we had to end at some point, but did he really need to be so callous about it? So heartless and cold? I never anticipated that it would hurt this much.

And what do I do now? Classes resume in a few days, do I torture myself by continuing to go to his class? Can I handle seeing him everyday?

Just the thought alone sends my stomach to a drop.

No. No, I can't. I'd break down at the sight of him. I wouldn't be able to take it. It'd kill me.

How could I walk into that room, and pretend that everything is normal, that nothing happened? To watch and listen to his voice, the voice that once comforted me and told me he loved me.

My face contorts and pain takes over again at the thought. I replay his voice telling me he loves me in my head over and over again. 

I cry loudly into my pillow, curled up in a ball, holding my stomach in pain as it contracts repeatedly from my cries.

I eventually fall asleep, my face still wet and my heart broken.

**

I open my eyes to dim sunlight trickling in my room through a crack in my curtains. My eyes are sore and my cheeks dry. My chest feels heavy as I sit up, running a hand down my face.

I check the time and realize I slept the entire day yesterday and through the night. I see a tray with dinner my Dad cooked last night on my bedside table.

I feel exhausted. I let out a deep sigh and throw my legs over the side of the bed, rubbing my eyes and making my way lazily down the stairs. 

"Good morning, sleepy head!" My dad chirps happily, hovered over a pan with sizzling bacon cooking.

I don't respond, only nodding my head at him as I slump down onto the stool at the breakfast bar in the kitchen.

"What's the matter?" He asks, turning to face me, his face falling with concern.

"Nothing. I'm just tired." I grunt lowly. 

He furrows his brows and places the back of his palm across my forehead.

"You haven't got a fever. You don't look well, Sweetie." 

I stare blankly ahead, ignoring his presence.

"I think I'm going to drop out of the literature class." I suddenly say.

"What?" He almost yells. "What for?"

"I... I just don't think I can handle it anymore, Dad." I stifle a sob, turning my face away from him.

He drops his cooking utensils on the kitchen counter and sits beside me. I look at him, and his eyes widen at my expression.

"What the hell has happened?" He asks, his tone laced with worry. I clear my throat, leaning back away from him.

"It's just too difficult." I retort bluntly.

"But that doesn't mean you give up..." He trails off, turning me to face him.

"Willow, not everything in life is going to be a walk in the park. Sometimes you have to face hardships to get where you want in life." His eyes stare deeply into mine, and I stare back at him.

"You want this publishing opportunity, don't you?" He asks.

"Yes." I whisper.

"So, push through it. It's nearly over, there's only a couple months left until you graduate, and if I know you, I know that you're not a quitter. You go for what you want and trust me when I say that you can do this." He smiles at the last word.

"I don't know, Dad..."

He sighs, "If you can't do it for yourself... Do it for Mom." He says with a hint of emotion.

My face falls, and something clicks.

My Mom. I promised my Mom.

My sullen expression slowly changes into a half smile, and I nod my head.

"You're right." I say.

He smiles and stands from his seat, walking back over to the now cooked bacon.

"A nice breakfast will cheer you up." He says happily.

I chuckle and wipe a tear from the corner of my eye. "Thank you." I say, smiling at him.

I am a strong, independent black woman, and we don't let men stop us from chasing our dreams and achieving our goals.

As much as I'm dreading it, and as much as I know it's going to pain me, I need to see this through until the end, and know that I didn't give up.

A small niggling thought is at the back of my head, telling me that I won't get it because of what's happened between Jin and I. But i know Jin, and I'm certain he wouldn't cast me out of being a contender for the top spot because of it. He'll be fair.

Regardless, I will get what I want.