A Time For Love (A Time For Love Series-Book 1)

A Change in Stef

STEF POV

It had been a few days since Bird found out about her mother's passing, and I knew it was incredibly hard for her and would continue to be. 

No child should ever have to go through what she has been through in her young life. From what Mike told me, and from what little things Bird has told me and even Lena, Birds life has been filled with nothing but abuse and tragedy. And my memory may not be good, in fact it was horrible which pissed me off, but this little girl stood out to me a great deal. It was hard to explain and I lack the words to fully explain it, but I wish more then anything that I could simply just remember how we met using my own memory and the times that we played basketball together. 

It's still a blank slate much like most of my life and the doctor told me there was a good chance I wouldn't remember many things of at all. Or that it would come back little by little. I knew he was just being honest but it was a hard ass fucking pill to swallow. Much like the fact that my damm vision is obstructed and I'm at risk of having seizers for the rest of my life. Not to mention these god awful headaches that makes me feel as if my brain my explode.

As I glance out my window trying not to think of how useless I am, I adjust the scarf on my head as I watch the snow falling outside. This outside world of New York City seemed like a stranger. All of it did and I was lucky to remember my brother. But I can't remember the time we spent together, our time at the police academy, but that woman Tess, that, I didn't understand.  I continued to see her falling to the ground, shots being fired and me kissing her. But why? Why would I kiss her? She was just my partner. Wasn't she?

It was still frustrating to distinguish reality vs. real memories, and that alone was frustrating and just made me want to punch a wall as I take a deep breath and smile at all the drawings Bird has made for me during the last few months. 

It was nice to see her bounce the basketball the other night when Lena got us all pizza, for it seemed to put a smile on her face. It made me smile as well, Bird, always made me smile, but most of all, I wanted her to be okay, and I was happy Lena would be fostering her.

"Ready for our session, Stef?" I hear Lena as I sigh and continue to stare out the window at the foreign skyline. "Stef, how are you doing today?"

"Alright." I say quietly as she pulls a chair over, and I look at her now. She sips her coffee smiling at me, one I don't return as I turn to look out the window again.

"You have the best view in the entire hospital ya know."

"Yeah? And?" I say turning to look at her and she smiles yet again at me. 

"Do you want to practice holding a cup today? I know you're working on it in OT too."

"I'm fine. No point." I bite back as she puts her coffee cup down, and the smell alone causes visions of me sitting at a desk and Mike laughing as I shake my head. I can feel one of those very, very strong headaches starting to come on. Maybe it would get me out of doing this today.

"Hey, Stef, are you okay?" I feel her gently place her hand on my arm as I pull away shaking my head again. "Do you have one of those headaches again?"

"No. let's just get st..started."

"Let me give you some medication for that headache. I can tell that-

"I said I was FINE. What don't you get LENA! Just do the damm PT so we can be done." I yell as I watch her get up waling over to her bag as she comes back over and hands me something.

"Bird drew it for you. She has services all day and won't get to see you until later. But, she wanted me to give this to you."

I take it from her seeing its drawing of Bird and I eating pizza. I see like always she draws my hair long, me wearing my uniform and my badge. She draws herself wearing the same thing as I sigh and continue to stare hard at it. I knew this kid loved me, but I had serious doubts that I'd ever be what I once was to her. In fact, I knew I wouldn't be and part of me wondered if that was going to hurt her. 

"She wants to have dinner with you like always." Lena says as I place the drawing on my bed and look over at her.

"She okay?"

"To a point. Doesn't say much about her mother and I don't pressure her. I know it can't be easy and I can't even imagine how she is feeling. Sadly, I think she's use to terrible things happening in her life." She says as feel my heart break in half and rub my forehead.

"She'll be safe living with you. I, I don't know if she ever had that. She... she didn't. I.. I think she didn't."I say, looking down at my useless legs as Lena takes a seat back down next to me.

"Probably not. But, I'm not the one she really wants to live with. She likes me, but she adores you and loves you a great deal."

"A monkey could do more for her then I could and you know it."

"That's not true, Stef. You are very kind to her. And she knows, she knows your injury affected you, but she is so optimistic for you. We all are. And, I can get you running again. That's what I'm here for. You will not be in this wheelchair forever. Look, I don't care how long it takes but it will happen. I can also try to help you remember things too. I've worked with patients with TBI when I did sports rehab.  It's a process, and I know it's not easy. None of this is, but you have already demonstrated what a strong woman you are. To go through what you did and to be sitting here talking to me like this is already a miracle.  And, you know, like you told Bird, it's okay to cry about all this. It wasn't fair what happened to any of you. It just wasn't." 

I try hard not to cry or even shed a tear but one falls from my eyes as I feel Lena grab my hand again. This time I don't pull away.

"I'm not the same person, whoever that was. In, in that uniform. I don't know her. I don't. I...it flees. Flees as fast as it comes. My memory. I don't know that skyline either. Out that window. Maybe it's...it's better that I don't remember who I was."

"You know, judging from what your brother has told me and from how much he loves you and how much Bird loves you it seems that you were an amazing human being. And still are. One of the reasons you are doing so well is there is a theory that if the person was strong, intelligent and extremely ambitious before their brain injury it can have a result on how they are after.  I believe that to be very true, Stef. Your progress has been astronomical.  All these balloons in here, cards, flowers, pictures, tells me everything about who you were and still are. And we are going to continue to uncover her. I promise." 

"What's , what's the point?"

"The point is so that you can go on with your life and no longer be a victim of your injuries. You don't have to be. You are more than what happened to you.  And if you can't do it for yourself do it for that little girl. She only has you and me. And like I told you she likes me, she's happy to live with me when she is released from here, but it's you she loves. And she doesn't care that you can't do the things you use to right now. She loves you no matter what, and I think if you remained in this wheelchair for the rest of your life, she'd still love you the same. 

She gently rubs my hand as the tears keep falling from my eyes ones I wish I could stop but can't seem to as Lena moves closer to me and hugs me. And I let her for reasons I don't know. But maybe it's just overwhelming, maybe it's all just too much, because my doubts are so strong. All of them.

"You will be okay, Stef. You will. I will help you every step of the way. Every single step." She continues to hug me warmly as I gently pull away and look right at her. 

"I love her too."

"Then let's get started."