A Time For Love (A Time For Love Series-Book 1)

Time With Bird

STEF POV 

"I think I'm going to make it red, Mama. Do you think I can?" Bird asks as the two of us are decorating holiday cookies considering Christmas was only three days away. It seemed to have come up so fast with everything going on, and Lena and I were trying to do all the little holiday things for Bird that she never experienced. Tomorrow, we planned on taking her for hot chocolate at a little cafe and seeing some decorations outside, which I was looking forward to myself.

After last night and this mornings talk with my brother, I was happy to get out of that frame of mind right now. I just couldn't deal with any of it at this present moment, and I wanted to just push it all off to the side if I could. If it was successful, I don't know, but spending this time alone with Bird felt special, and it was nice to do outside of the hospital.

Even if I wasn't officially or legally her mother, there was no question in my mind or hers that we both felt it in our hearts. This was a role I was taking very seriously, even if my mind was a complete fucking mess over what I had remembered. A fucking disaster that I knew I was going to have to deal with sooner or later realizing how much I had loved Tess and realizing she was gone and it was my fault.

Mike had tried to convince me that it wasn't me, but he wasn't in my memory, and I guess for some reason I was stuck on it. Hell, maybe I was stubborn or maybe I really was hell bent on taking full responsibility for that night. But that wasn't going to do me or Bird any good. Really not.

"That..,that is a nice idea, baby girl. I.. I.. like that. Beautiful." I smile at her as I sprinkle some sugar on my own cookie as I glance over at the stove clock seeing it is almost 1. "Af...after this I will make us..make us lunch, oh..okay? So..sound good?"

"Okay. Mommy?" I hear her say sweetly as I grab another cookie to decorate and I smile at her.

"Ye..yes my love?"

"Well, I decided maybe to see Santa. I wrote him a letter, well I started it. But, I thought about it, what Lena and you said, and even if I don't really believe in him, maybe I can just pretend I do. Sort of." She shrugs adding red frosting to her cookie.

"Well, you know I believe a little... a little in Santa.. too. Some."

"Really? You do, too! Like Lena."

"Yes. But, for the record I...I..I.didn't always. When..when I was younger..and living with Mike..we were adults and we..we kinda talked about Santa. We use to go see the big tree in Rockefeller Center. I...I think it made me believe in..in him." I say, realizing that I've remembered a few things about my past. "Mike...Mike always mad the holiday special..but..Bird, I was..I was a foster kid."

"Really? You remember, Mama? I didn't know you were in foster care!" She asks looking at me surprised as I add more more frosting to my cookie.

"I...I remember some.

" A little. I can't remember how..how old I was but I was probably your age when I went to live with ...with Uncle Mike. I'd..I'd need to ask him. And... and he believed in Santa and...and I didn't. I.. I think too many bad things..had happened or... maybe he..he never came and gave me presents. I don't remember. But, my first holiday with Mike and...and my parents we made cookies and..and I got a basketball for Christmas from...from Santa." I say looking right at her as she looks as if she is really focusing.

"Was that the first present he ever gave you?"

"I..I think. I..I can't remember having a tree before that. Or anything. I don't remember my...my early childhood. Maybe a little..a little at a time I will. But..but I do remember the basketball."

"Were you adopted, Mama?"

"No...I..his parents wanted to but...but I can't remember what happened. I think I went to ..to live with a relative. I don't remember, babe. I..I need to ask him. But, for..a second..I think... I think I believed in Santa and every holiday that...that I had with Mike and our family I... I think I felt Santa. That..that Christmas magic...they call it."

"I feel that when I'm with you. I feel it now." She smiles as I lean in and kiss her little forehead.

"So...so do I babygirl. But..enough about me, Len...Lena and I would never force you to be.. believe in Santa. You...you believe in him..only..only if you want to. And...and you go visit him...only...only if you want to." I say, rubbing her hand as she looks wide-eyed at me and moves her chair closer to me.

"I think I want to. I want to give him my letter. I never went to visit him so, maybe I'm mad that he never visited me."

"It..its okay to be mad. I think...I think Santa isn't perfect, sweets." I play with a strand of her curly hair as she nods at me.

"Lena said it's not always about presents either. That Santa can protect you during the holiday from bad things happening. A lot of bad things happened to me. But, one Christmas I got to eat with Mariana and spend it with her family. That was nice."

"But then others I was alone and wishing for a family. I knew my Mama wasn't trying to be on drugs, and one time, she promised me a bike. Well, she told me Santa would get me a bike. And I think he did, and it was wrapped. I saw it. Then she fell asleep with me on Christmas Eve last year and we didn't get to lay together a lot because she was never home. But she was last year, but when I woke up the next morning my bike was gone and she didn't come back for a few days." Bird says, looking away and adding another sprinkle to her cookie.

She says this all so casually, even if I could sense the pain around it, and my heart breaks for my little girl. Last night my dream and memory of Tess nearly ripped me to shreds and it continued to be very, very painful. But hearing only a tiny bit of what Bird dealt with is even harder in some sense, because like I always and from the time I first met her, I just wanted to protect her. Protect her from the world as I grab her hand and cup her soft little cheek.

Her eyes are so innocent, yet she has seen far more in life then I know. Maybe one day she will tell me more,  no matter how difficult it may be.

"Ba...baby. I'm...I'm so very sorry that happened to you. I wish...wish more than anything that it didn't. That...that is not... not a fun memory, sweet..sweetheart. And..and I wish... I wish I could take all of that away so that..that it didn't happen to.. to you. I'm sorry you had so much heartache and pain in your early life, baby. I really, really am."

"It's okay, Mama. I don't have that anymore." She says softly as I rub her cheek again, and she looks into my eyes once more.

"Bird...I..I will always be..be here for you. It..it still will take me some time to be able to do many things, but I..I am working on it. I..I am working on it even harder then...then I ever...ever have because I..I want to give you a happy life. Me and..Lena and Mike. You...you don't have to worry about being alone like that again, or..or any of us leaving or disappearing. I..I promise you that, honey. We...we will always..always be here for you baby. Even..even when you are big and don't need me anymore." I laugh as she smiles wise shaking her head.

"I WILL always need you and I will always love being with you Mama. Today is my favorite day ever."

"Yeah? It's my favorite day ever too, baby." Leaning in I kiss her little forehead again as she hugs me warmly making some of my broken heart in terms of Tess heal a tad. Maybe not fully, because I don't know if anything could make that heal all together, but this little girl was certainly my angel.

"Let me make us some lunch, sweetheart. O.. okay?"

"Okay, Mama."