A Time For Love (A Time For Love Series-Book 1)

Christmas Night Heartache

STEF POV

"Okay sweets lets get your pajamas tog... together for..for bed, sweets. Which.. which ones do you want? The plaid again?" I ask Bird as she sits on the bed staring out the window as I see light rain hitting it. I knew all too well rain was a terrible trigger for her as I slowly use my walker to sit on the bed beside her. It takes me a bit, but Lena had been really pushing me to use it more and more, and I tried very hard to do so.

Sliding my hand inside of Birds very small one I myself watch the rain hitting the window for the temperatures had risen a little during the day causing the snow to stop.  It had been a beautiful snowy Christmas day, and we had all really enjoyed it and our time together. Mike had made a wonderful dinner, we watched more holiday movies and sang Christmas songs. Bird had really enjoyed herself too but I had noticed towards the end of it she had become very quiet, and it made me wonder if it was all to much for her or she was remembering more of her past.

"It's..it's not supposed to rain long..baby. The ..the temperatures will drop again and turn back to..to snow." I say as she turns to face me now, looking right into my eyes. 

"Do you think my Mama went to hell? For..for what she did? For doing drugs and stuff?" Tears stream down her face now as I move even closer to her and gently rub her hand." I had a really nice day, Mama. This was the best Christmas I had in my entire life. But, do you think heaven has a Christmas? Or do you think she's in hell?"

"I.. I don't think she's..she's in hell, baby. Just because someone does drugs or struggles with addiction doesn't make them a bad person.  Not at all. I think she is very much in heaven. There is no reason for her not to be."

"Even if she stole and stuff?"

"My guess is she stole to feed her addiction, honey, sadly. Not because she was a bad person. I think she wanted so much for you, sweetheart, and wanted to give you so much. She just couldn't, and that doesn't make her a bad person either. She was human and someone who struggled. But, it doesn't mean she went to hell, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love you or doesn't want you to have a happy life. I'm sure she wanted you to have a nice Christmas and doesn't want you to feel badly about it. " Tears run down her face even more as I gently wipe them as she looks back up at me. This wasn't the first time Bird asked me this about her mother, but I'd continue to reassure her to the best of my ability.

"You know, it's okay to miss her, Bird, and it's okay to be angry with her."

"Are you angry with Tess?" She asks as I look at her confused.

"Angry? No.. no love. Not.. not at all."

"I wondered since you took all her pictures down in your room of her. I was wondering if you were mad at her for dying or if you were trying to forget her." Bird asks so innocently but throwing me off as I almost don't know what to say for how in the hell can I respond to that. 

"Oh um...no sweets I...I want new frames for them. I'm not angry at her, and um...I...I'm not trying to forget her. " I lie as she stares hard at me as if she doesn't believe me. 

"The social worker brought me a photo of my mother, and I stuck it in my draw. Sometimes I look at it at night, but most of the time, I don't. It feels like it's just a photo, and I don't really remember her. And sometimes I get mad at her for doing drugs and for being with Randy when he hurts us both and you. So I don't always want to remember her."

"It's okay to be angry, honey. It is. I know your life wasn't easy at all. I know that..that baby." I squeeze her hand as she continues to look right at me.

"It wasn't. I didn't realize how hard it was until I started living here. I was just use to it. I wish she had been like you and Lena." She shakes her head now as I wrap my arm around her, and the rain outside now turns back to snow.