Secret Love (Carisi/Rollins Fanfiction)

Chapter 16

"She's waking up." Amanda hears, rolling around a little bit to rid herself of sleep. She looks over to see Nick, Olivia, and Fin standing at her side. She wakes herself up.
"Have you found him? Is he alright?" Olivia looks over at Fin, tears in her eyes.
"Tell her." She swallows nervously.
"No, no. This couldn't have happened-" she starts to cry. She sits up over the edge of her bed.
"He's alive." She gets excited.
"Really? Where is he?"
"You didn't let me finish. He's in critical condition." Her heart falls through her pants.
"All because of me." She stops and puts her head in her hands. "How did I let this happen?"
"It wasn't your fault."
"Everything is my fault. Do you think I would have been taken if I hadn't have done something? The reason I was beaten and raped was my fault, and now the reason Sonny is in critical condition is my fault. It's all my fault."
"You've worked here for three years now. You should know rape victims blame themselves, but it's never their fault." Benson responds to her. Amanda takes a deep breath.
"You're right. When can I see him?"
"Right now."
"Really?" They all nod.
"Come on." She gets up out of her bed and slugs behind them. They stop in front of a closed door, reading "critical"
"Are you sure?" Liv asks.
"Not so much anymore. I don't want to see him in there, miserable." They all stand there, silent. "Let's go. I miss him so much." Liv opens the door, but they all neglect to walk in. Amanda leads the group in. He's asleep on the bed.
"We'll leave you two alone." The group walks out, leaving Amanda sitting in a chair at Sonny's side. She looks straight ahead at a mirror. She hasn't seen herself yet. She slowly walks up to it. Her face is bruised and she has stitches in her cheek. She opens her mouth to see stitches in her throat as well. She sighs and goes to sit back down. She gets the courage to stand up and look at his face. She gently puts her hand on his face.
"Sonny?" He blinks a few times and opens his bloodshot eyes.
"Amanda-" he pulls her into a gentle hug. She trembles in his arms.
"I'm so sorry I let this happen to you." She hugs him back tightly. He pulls her face away from his shoulder, tears stinging her bruised cheeks.
"It wasn't your fault that it happened."
"Yes it was, I didn't try to fight them taking you, and I feel so terrible about it-"
"Amanda. Calm down. I'm alright, sweetheart." She cringes. "Sorry." She reaches for his hand, a cast on two of the fingers.
"What'd the perp do?" She asks cautiously.
"Beat me, broke my fingers-" she runs her fingers through his hair.
"D-did he rape you?" She stutters out.
"Many times." He looks down at his hands. "Once he was done, he got up and dressed and went to the liquor store to buy booze. And then he came back and did it again. Everyday."
"When he was out, why didn't you run? Call someone?"
"He had me tied up, my hands and ankles." Amanda notices the cuts and burns on his arms and ankles from the rope. "And I was afraid he would come back and do what he did to me when I called you."
"What did he do to you?" She's almost afraid to ask.
"Smashed a lamp over my head, and hit it against the headboard." She has to restrict tears from falling down her face.
"It's all my fault." She thinks to herself.
"Why are you critical?" She asks.
"They think I could have mild brain trauma." She stands up and puts her hand on the wall. She's angry.
"How could I let this happen to you? I'm such a bad person. And I'm still recovering from my assault, this will bust me down." She sits on the chair, now crying.
"Amanda, come here." She walks over to him.
"I didn't even try to prevent you from going."
"I did it for your safety. Love is making sacrifices." He looks into her eyes.
"It was a stupid thing to do for my safety. You know I was waiting to be taken again. I deserve that." He opens up his arms and she slides into them.
"You don't deserve that. That's why I did it. For you." Sonny says soothingly. She finally calms down.
"You were brave." She says to him. "I wouldn't have made it through that."
"There was a time I was thinking I would never get out." The door opens. Benson walks in.
"Hi Carisi. I need to talk to you about the events that happened."
"Okay." Amanda goes to sit on a chair on the side of the room.
"What happened?"
"He tied me down, raped me, and then went to buy booze. When he came back, he raped me again. And then twice more that day. When I tried to get up, he smashed a lamp on my head."
"I'm so sorry that happened. Did you ever get depressed?" He takes a deep breath.
"Yes."
"Did you try to harm yourself in any way?"
"Yes." Amanda puts her head in her hands.
"What did you do?"
"I tried to strangle myself."
"Anything else?" He pulls down the collar of his gown.
"Is that-"
"Yes." Amanda closes her eyes.
"We'll be in with the rape kit soon."
"I'm sorry." He says to Amanda.
"Don't apologize."
"I know how upset you would have been-" she takes a deep breath and walks over to him.
"You're here now and you're safe. That's all that matters."