Secret Love (Carisi/Rollins Fanfiction)

Chapter 43

She awakens, the taste of her previous kiss still lingering on her lips. She cringes suddenly.
"What the hell did I do?" She asks herself. She slowly stands up and grabs the keys to her rental car, trying to decide whether or not to tell Sonny. She gets into the car, her head pounding from being hungover. She drives to the hospital, every bump in the road she hits killing her head.
"I hate myself for it. I do." She plays out what's going to happen in her head.
"And I want you to keep trusting me." She pulls up.
"Amanda, hello my love." He's looking down at a tablet. "I've been planning our wedding." She walks in and holds her tongue. She can't tell him now.
"What do you have?" He shows her a picture.
"I wanted somewhere beautiful to do it." She feels her heart drop.
"Yeah. Sounds great." She says, sitting back.
"Are you okay? You seem a little... strange."
"I'm perfect. Just a little hungover."
"Did you drink last night, Amanda?"
"Yes. I'm sorry."
"That does nothing to help you. Why?"
"Because I self-harmed and you're on suicide watch and can't come back to the hotel so we can-" she stops. She's becoming too attached again.
"Can what?"
"Nothing."
"Are you sure you're alright?"
"Sonny, I'm fine. Don't worry about me." Liv and Barba walk in. Amanda looks down, not looking them in the eyes.
"The doctor said you could go home tonight, if you didn't try any suicidal acts."
"I wouldn't. I'm planning to marry the love of my life." She swallows.
"Rollins, a word?" Barba calls her out. They close the door.
"I'm sorry about last night, I wasn't thinking. Have you told him?"
"I was going to, but he started talking about weddings and loving me-"
"Do you love him?"
"Of course. Of course." She plays with her fingers.
"Really? Look me in the eyes and tell me you love him." She looks down.
"I really do love him. I just feel bad for kissing you without him knowing." He nods.
"Tell him. It may affect your life, but I know he'll like to know."
"I'll wait until we get back to the hotel." He nods and they walk back inside. Sonny is being cleared to go home.
"Suicidal thoughts?"
"None."
"Thoughts of harming yourself or others?"
"No."
"You're cleared." Amanda smiles as he changes back into his clothes.
"C'mon, let's get you back to the hotel. You probably need some sleep." He nods as they make their way towards the car. Amanda starts to drive.
"Why'd you even try?" She asks.
"You showed no interest in me. You know I love you." She winces and keeps driving. She decides to be honest.
"I love you too. And I honestly would have never lived past a day if you did commit suicide. You're my only real hope." He looks over to her.
"I love you so much." She smiles and drives up to the hotel. She follows him up to their room. He sees the liquor bottles strewn about the room, and the knife lying on the floor. She moves the box from the bed as he lies down. She smiles and lies down on top of him, feeling their bodies touch and the pure love that's running between them. She decides to come clean.
"Sonny, I know you don't want to hear this, especially right now."
"Hmm?" He says, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"When I was drunk, I-" she swallows her fear. "I made out with Barba." His eyes grow wide.
"You did what?"
"I craved affection, I needed you but you were in the hospital, I-" he pushes her off of him and picks up the knife. He holds it to his throat.
"They thought I didn't have any more suicidal thoughts. Well, weren't they wrong?"