Secret Love (Carisi/Rollins Fanfiction)

Chapter 40

Her phone vibrates on the table next to her. She picks it up.
"Hi Olivia." She smiles to herself.
"Sonny is awake." She feels a flush of relief at first, but it passes quickly.
"I'm over him. I figured he'd never wake up, so I cut him from my life. You can tell him that, too."
"I'm sorry to hear that." Liv says, hanging up.
"Me too." Amanda says to herself. "I don't want him to be miserable. He can't come out of a coma to find out his wife-" she giggles a little bit. "Dumped him." She stands up and opens the refrigerator. She pulls out a bottle of whiskey and pops it open, putting her lips to the bottle and drinking it. She lies on the couch, playing with the ring on her finger. She gets up again and drives to the hospital. She walks back to the room. They're all sitting down, talking to him.
"I heard her. I know I did. She wanted to marry me, and now I lost her." She walks in.
"Amanda! I-"
"We'll give you some time to talk alone." The squad walks out.
"Liv told me what you said. Sorry that I didn't live up to your standards."
"You did live up to my standards-"
"You have such high standards that nobody can actually live up to." He snaps at her.
"You're the one who almost forced me into having sex with you! You know how bad my PTSD was. Or is now."
"You were probably off hooking up with someone else! Barba?!" Amanda feels tears start to form at her eyes.
"Never!"
"I heard you guys talking in my room while I was in my coma."
"He comforted me. I was worried for you."
"Sorry I couldn't be there for you." They hug gently.
"I told myself I'd get over you. She lets go of him. "So I must do what I can." She starts to cry quietly.
"I love you, Sonny." She walks out without looking back.
"Amanda, wait." She keeps walking.
"I love you too. So much." She goes back to her hotel to start drinking again. She takes off the ring gently and puts it on the table. She gently dozes off.

She wakes up to a phone call from Liv.
"Amanda, this is urgent." She groans.
"What is it?"
"What'd you tell Sonny?"
"I told him that I thought he was dead so I was coaching myself to get over him, why?"
"He tried to commit suicide in that hospital. He's on suicide watch right now." She feels her heart drop through her pants.
"He didn't, what'd he try to do?"
"He took his oxygen out and almost suffocated to death." She starts to weep.
"How could I have been so stupid, Liv?"
"You aren't-" she throws her phone at the door and starts to break down.
"I'm stupid, so stupid-" she rummages through her cardboard box with the money in it, and goes to the bottom. She sees the knife, gleaming.
"I knew I'd need this." She says with relief, slowly bringing it to her arm, slowly slicing it with satisfaction.