Secret Love (Carisi/Rollins Fanfiction)

Chapter 49

"I know I really do love him. I let that happen to him and I know I lied." She says to herself, once again looking at her distorted figure in the broken mirror. She grabs her jacket and puts it on, running outside to her car.
"I can't let this get the best of me anymore." She drives quickly to the jail.
"I'm here to see Sonny Carisi."
"He isn't taking visitors right now."
"Why the hell not?!"
"He's on suicide watch." She groans.
"Why again, Sonny?!" She sees Liv walk into the lobby.
"Rollins, you're here." She nods and scoffs at the staff at the front desk. He's in a cell, handcuffed to a table. She walks into the cell.
"Sonny, I know that I said some things-"
"It's alright, Amanda."
"I couldn't believe you-" she swallows.
"It's time for me to be honest." She sits down across the table and takes his hands.
"I was the one who vandalized the building. I know you didn't lie, I just couldn't tell you that it was me. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I know you won't forgive me, but I wanted to come clean with you."
"What's wrong with you?" He asks. "You ruined my career because you blamed me for something stupid that I didn't even do. You've done a lot of things wrong, Amanda, but this one has to be the worst." He rests his head down on his arms.
"Another thing I want to be honest with you about." He looks up. "I was almost assaulted by my old sergeant again. We made a deal that he'd plead guilty if I let him do whatever he wanted to me." Sonny sucks in his breath. She rolls up her sleeve.
"He harmed me with scissors." She runs her fingers along all of the jagged lines. "I didn't try to stop him, Sonny. I was so worried that you'd get thrown in jail. I didn't want that, I never would have wanted this."
"That asshole. You should have come to me, you know."
"After what happened in court, I don't think that you would have wanted me to come to you in tears."
"I'm so worried about you. I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me."
"You can be. I'll tell Liv it was me."
"No, Amanda. Let me stay in jail." She shakes her head and walks to the door, to where the guard and Liv are standing.
"Liv, can we talk to you?" She nods and follows Amanda in.
"I lied about not knowing who vandalized the hotel." Her eyes widen.
"Who was it?"
"It was me. I felt like shit and I needed a vent, Sonny and I were arguing-"
"Why didn't you tell the truth?" She sighs.
"I don't know. But when I walked into the office, I talked to my sergeant, he said if I let him do whatever he wanted to me, he'd plead guilty." She puts her hands in front of her body.
"Lock me up. Set Sonny free. I want him to be who I wish I still was." She unlocks Sonny and he confronts her.
"You can't do this, Amanda. Let me stay locked up."
"You actually matter to people, Sonny! I deserve to be here because you need to be out there, helping the people who need it."
"You need it. You can't spend your life in jail." He pulls her close to him, and she slowly feels the relaxing calm of his beautiful body. She breaks away and Sonny is brought outside.
"Wait, you have to let me back in! She didn't do anything wrong."
"We'll either keep you in holding, or her. Which?"
"Me." Sonny shouts. "Amanda is too vulnerable for this."
"Sonny, no."
"Go home. Get some sleep. And know that I always will love you."