Secret Love (Carisi/Rollins Fanfiction)

Chapter 30

Amanda is stunned at his question, and she feels herself start to get emotional.
"Sonny, I-"
"I want you to be mine forever and ever and I'll fight through every fear you have."
"I-" she pauses. "No." She closes her eyes as tears threaten to fall down her face. She walks outside into the chilly air. She pulls her scarf up to her cold cheeks and puts the back of her hand to her lips. She looks over at the door opening.
"Amanda," she goes into his arms almost immediately.
"I'm sorry." He smiles gently.
"Why'd you say no?"
"The perp always talked about marrying me. I thought it would be true."
"Amanda you know I'd never hurt you."
"You tried to have sex with me, Sonny. You hurt me enough."
"I know. But I promised myself that I would be-"
"More considerate towards my feelings?" He sighs.
"Sorry. I'll leave you alone." He walks back to the doors of the restaurant.
"Sonny, wait." He walks back to her.
"I know that you're worth it. I'm just not ready to marry someone that I'm not even sure is trustworthy."
"Amanda, I promise you."
"I said no, Sonny. Accept it." She walks off the other direction, heading through Central Park to their apartment. She sees couples sitting around the park together, enjoying the wintry air and snow. And oh, how much she craves a relationship like that. She looks down at her feet, a brace for her healing, and a snow boot on the other.
"I was a little rough with Sonny today. I feel so bad." She says aloud to herself, reaching her street. She climbs up the stairs painfully and steps into her apartment, stripping her jacket, mittens, and scarf. She sits on the couch, wrapping a blanket around herself, more miserable than she's ever been. She's going to disappear away from Sonny forever.
"I love him." She says to herself. "Why am I debating running away from his loving and nurturing nature?" She asks herself again. She gets up and pulls her gun out of the holster on the counter that she's kept there since she left the doors at SVU. She rolls it over and over again in her hands. Running her hands over the trigger, and barrel. She swallows. She lies back onto the couch, putting the gun down.
"I know your life has been tough. You told me I'm your only clarity once. And I'm glad to forever be your clarity, even though we've had a fight or two. I love you, and I want you to be mine forever." She closes her eyes and starts to get flashbacks. She stands up and darts out the door, not even grabbing her jacket. She runs towards the restaurant. They're all standing outside.
"Amanda, what are you doing?" Sonny asks her.
"When you proposed, it gave me flashbacks, I, I-" she starts to shiver, frostbite nipping at her bare skin. "I was at home almost going to kill myself and then I remembered you and how you said you could never hurt me, so I didn't want to hurt you." She rambles.
"Rollins, you talk to a therapist." Liv says.
"I know. And she hasn't done shit for me yet!" Amanda clenches her fist.
"I hate this. I hate you, Sonny, and I hate all of you people." Amanda runs off the other direction. Sonny is shocked.
"Sarge, I'm sorry-" Sonny tries to apologize.
"No, Carisi. It's okay. It's common behavior for assault victims. Go with her, make sure she isn't going anywhere with a concealed weapon, and get her to an emergency therapy session soon, and that's an order. He nods and runs after her. He catches up to her by her apartment, running up the stairs.
"Amanda!" She turns around, and points a gun at Sonny's head. He jumps in shock.
"Amanda, put the gun down." She shakes her head. "Amanda Rollins. Put the gun down. Or I have to-" he pauses. "Shoot." She drops it at her feet and sits down on the steps. Sonny carefully approaches her and picks up and unloads the gun, and gently pushes her hair behind her ear. She starts to bawl.
"Amanda, you're fine, honey." He looks up to the gray sky. "Perfectly fine."