Secret Love (Carisi/Rollins Fanfiction)

Chapter 19

Amanda sits at Sonny's house, watching the busy street down below her. The scene from yesterday is playing in her head over and over again. She stands up and walks over to his closed bedroom door. He's been upset since court yesterday, and she can't do anything about it.
"Sonny?" She knocks on the door. She gets silence in return. She puts her ear up against the door and hears fitful moving around.
"Oh Sonny-" she trails off, opening the door to see him lying face down, the sheets strewn about the room. She gives a sympathetic sigh and sits next to him on the bed. She had nightmares also. She strokes his cheek delicately.
"Sonny, wake up." She takes his hand. It's cold and clammy. He wakes up suddenly, shaking and confused.
"Are you okay?" He sits up and Amanda sits next to him.
"Yes, I'm fine." She looks into his eyes.
"Tell me the truth this time. Are you okay?"
"I told you I was fine!" He hisses at her. She's shaken up.
"I'll leave you alone then. Sorry."
"Please do." She stands up, running her fingers through her hair. As she approaches the doorknob, she turns around again.
"I'm just trying to be here for you." She thinks about saying, but she holds her tongue and walks out the door. She grabs her keys and goes out the front door to her car. She drives to the nearest bar. She sits at a table. Someone approaches her.
"Can I get you something?" She looks up.
"The strongest stuff you have." The waiter leaves and comes back with a glass. She brings the glass to her lips, watching her surroundings. She orders another three drinks, and leaves a fifty on the table for the waiter. She stumbles out and gets into her car. She starts to drive mindlessly, watching the road but also hoping to get killed. She pulls over and pulls out her phone.
"Liv, I just drank too much at a bar to try and drown out Sonny's pain and I can't drive home." She starts to cry.
"I'm on my way." She puts her phone away and her head against the steering wheel. She soon sees the headlights of a taxi and Liv walking up to her window. Amanda gets into the passenger seat.
"Rollins, were you trying to get yourself killed?" Liv asks.
"Actually-" they start to drive. "Yes I was." Olivia stops the car.
"Really?" Amanda nods. "Sonny wouldn't tell me what was upsetting him and I just needed to get away from everything and after a few drinks I knew I wanted to die." She rants.
"We're going to take you to Carisi's house, but you'll be on suicide watch for tonight and tomorrow. Also, take a few more days off of work." Amanda groans.
"Rollins, I came to pick you up. Listen to me." She nods. "I'll be checking on you via phone every two hours. If you don't answer, I send units in. Understand?"
"Yes." She mumbles, getting out of the stopped car at Sonny's house. She opens the door gently, trying not to wake him, and stumbles in the door. Her stomach starts turning and she runs through the room he's sleeping in to the bathroom. She starts to throw up, alarming Sonny. She rests her head on the toilet seat.
"Amanda, what's-"
"I had too much to drink." He kneels down next to her, cautious of his leg.
"I'm sorry for what I said earlier." He pushes her hair behind her ear. "I didn't mean it at all." Tears run down her cheek onto the toilet seat. "Liv called and said you were on suicide watch. What did you do?"
"Tried to drive while I was intoxicated to kill myself." Sonny's face drops.
"You did that?" She nods. He sighs. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up. She stands up and washes her face and hands. He hobbles back out of the bathroom into bed. Amanda opens his closet quietly and pulls out one of his ties. She quickly makes a noose and puts it around her neck. She starts to shake as she attaches it to a nail on the wall. She bends her knees and kneels on the floor. She gags. Sonny is up in an instant. He goes to her side.
"Please don't do this." He pulls on the tie and it doesn't budge. He pulls out his phone, but Amanda doesn't care to hear what he has to say. He runs out of the door and comes back with scissors. She feels pressure on her neck be released as he cuts the tie from her neck, and she falls into his awaiting arms.