Secret Love (Carisi/Rollins Fanfiction)

Chapter 46

"Okay, what the hell is going on?" Amanda walks into the SVU headquarters saying.
"Rollins, a word?" Liv pulls her into her office.
"Sonny wants you to know."
"Thank goodness. What'd he do?"
"I think he should tell you. Come with me." They walk outside and she cautiously follows Liv across the street to a building.
"So he's actually in the jail now and not with you all. Interesting." They walk in and Liv flashes her badge. They follow a guard to a heavily chain-locked door. She opens it.
"I'll let you go." Liv says.
"Keep it short." Amanda walks in to see Sonny sitting at a table. She sits across from him.
"What'd you do?"
"Nothing, Amanda."
"It obviously isn't nothing if you ended up here!" She feels her anger rising.
"I didn't want to tell you. But I'm ready." She holds his hands. "I can't." He releases her hands and looks down.
"Yes you can! I'm here for you." He swallows.
"I went after your old sergeant." She gasps.
"Why?"
"He hurt you for years and years and nobody was willing to believe you or investigate. I felt so angry that he would do that-"Amanda cuts him off.
"You shouldn't worry about me to that extent."
"Liv told me that your PTSD was bad last night. You didn't- hurt yourself, did you?" She peels back the bandage. "You did."
"I'm sorry, Sonny. The PTSD and-" he gives her a slight smile.
"Don't worry about it." He leans in to kiss her gently. The officer standing at the door shouts at them.
"No physical contact."
"Can I at least give her one hug? She has severe PTSD and I want her to feel safe for the night."
"Fine." Amanda smiles as he wraps his arms around her. He kisses the top of her head.
"Don't hurt yourself tonight. I can't deal with that, on top of this." She puts her face into his shoulder.
"I can't promise anything. I may get another bad flashback." He holds her tighter.
"I wish I could come home. I want to make you feel safe."
"I'll post your bail."
"Amanda, no."
"Sonny, I have to. I'll end up killing myself before you get out of here." He sighs.
"You're not getting me out of here, and that's final, Amanda."
"Please?" He looks her in the eyes.
"No."
"Why?"
"Because I know I did something wrong. I messed up this time."
"We'll fight it in court-"
"I said no, Amanda. You should know not to pressure me into anything." She sighs in defeat.
"Fine. If you don't want my help, don't take it. Stay in here forever and never see me again." She walks out and finds Liv.
"We're going back to my apartment." They drive in complete silence. When she pulls up in front of the apartment, she climbs the stairs slowly, and opens the door, slamming it behind her. She kneels on the ground, slamming her fists into the carpet and crying. She suddenly gets a call. It goes through to voicemail.
"Amanda, it's Sonny. They allowed me one call. I realized what I did and I feel terrible. So if you're debating anything bad, don't do it. I'm talking to Liv about letting me go. I love you. Don't ever forget that." She runs her fingers through her hair, almost wanting to reach for that knife sitting merely three feet away from her. An urgent call comes through from Liv.
"What the hell did you say in there, Rollins?"
"I- what are you talking about?"
"Sonny just tried to commit suicide again!"
"Why? What the hell, I screwed up so bad-"
"Fix this. Meet me at the jail in ten minutes sharp." She runs outside to her car and drives there as quickly as she can.
"You're to blame for this, aren't you?" Nick sarcastically wails at her.
"No surprise." Fin responds to him.
"Silence." Liv says, walking Amanda inside. She sees Sonny inside of an empty jail cell, only wearing a pair of sweatpants.
"What'd he do?"
"He made a noose out of his shirt. So we had to take it away." She feels herself start to cry.
"You have to let me in to see him. Please." Liv searches her for sharp objects.
"Go in, but don't stay for long." She walks in.
"Sonny, I'm so worried-" she wraps her arms around him.
"Don't be worried. I've made it through suicide watch before."
"Why'd you even try? Are you crazy?"
"I think I am, Amanda. Or maybe I just feel like you're unsafe so I'd rather die than see the struggles you go through."
"We were so happy at the beginning of our relationship. What happened?" Amanda cautiously asks.
"A lot has happened to make me so-" she puts her hands on his shoulders.
"Promise me."
"Promise you what?"
"You'll never try again." She holds up her hand. "Remember I actually want to get married one day. Particularly to you." He smiles a bit.
"I promise, Amanda." She grins.
"Bye Sonny."
"Goodbye Amanda." She walks out.
"Liv, can I have the keys to the headquarters? I want to talk to Barba." She throws them at her and Amanda walks across the street, walking into the empty building. A pit of guilt grows in her stomach because she lied to Olivia.
"I want nothing to do with Barba." She murmurs to herself. She sees the cells, one with their attorney in it, and one with her old sergeant. She sits in front of one.
"Amanda, I've been waiting for you."