ENG - My best friend's sister ᵐᶦᵏᵉʸ ˣ ᵒᶜ

81

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"Why?" I ask, and he replies quietly, "Because then you might not love me anymore."

I continue to stare at him, unable to say anything as I try to process his previous statement in my head. A chaos of emotions overwhelms me. I shake my head, as if that alone could dispel my confusion, and push him away from me - releasing myself from his arms.
"I need to know," I urge firmly, my heart pounding wildly.
"No," comes his answer immediately, without even thinking about it for a second. "I'm not going to tell you," he adds.

A bitter, sarcastic laugh bursts out of me, although there is little to laugh about at this moment. The revelation Kei made earlier turns my previous life completely upside down, throwing my thoughts and feelings into complete chaos, and now the situation here with Mikey. Desperation floods through me and my emotions are on a rollercoaster - I feel the urge to cry, scream and strangely even laugh. It's absolutely crazy.
"Then..." I begin hesitantly, biting my lip because I don't really want to say this sentence, "I won't be able to stay with you." My heart feels like it's going to burst with that sentence, because I don't really want to.
"Mei, don't do that," he begs me and approaches me, but I back away and take a few steps backwards.
"You keep asking me to trust you, but so far you haven't given me any reason to," I say in a quivering voice, not taking my eyes off him. "How am I supposed to trust you when practically every God damn person who knows you tells me to stay away from you? You obviously can't explain it to me - or don't want to. Why?" I push out between my sobs, and I can feel the anger mixing with my despair.

He reaches out for me and before I can pull away, he cups my face with his hands. His touch feels so gentle and comforting that it almost hurts. He wipes away the tears streaming down my face.
"I can't, Mei," he finally whispers, and his voice sounds broken.
I pause, an agonizingly long pause, and say in a shaky voice, "If you can't explain it to me, I'll be forced to trust others and believe what they say." My words are accompanied by another sob, and I stare at him stubbornly. The fact that he can't look at me, averting his gaze, hurts all the more.
"I don't want you to stop looking at me 'like that'," he finally says, after a long pause of silence.
"How do I look at you?" I ask, because I don't understand what he means. He is silent again, seemingly searching for the right words, and finally he admits: "In love." His voice is quiet, almost a whisper.
"I don't care!" I almost shout, pushing him away from me as before and taking another few steps back. Tears stream down my face and I tremble with inner tension. "You can't just decide what's right for me!"
"I do care, Mei!" he shouts back. "Do you seriously think I've said all these moments between us and these fucking cheesy things because I want to hurt you? Why can't you just leave it at that and be happy that I'm there? Why do you let other people talk you into your head?" he suddenly asks me.

I wince slightly and swallow hard. "Because..." I begin - thinking. Why actually? Why do I let the opinions of others make me so insecure?
"Because I love you, damn it! And I want to be able to trust you, but you..." I'm lost for words, the lump in my throat tightens and my vision becomes completely blurred. "You don't trust me," I finally say between clenched teeth, and this realization hurts more than the truth that my best friend revealed to me earlier.

I can feel the anger and frustration boiling inside me and my heart is racing as my hands shake with tension. I want to run away, like I've always done when things get too much for me, to avoid arguments or anything else. I want so badly to just run away.
"Mei, please," his voice sounds soft, almost pleading as he slowly walks towards me. "Let's not fight. I haven't hurt you yet, and I don't intend to."
But I back away the closer he gets. Shaking my head, I reply, my voice shaky with emotion, "You've already hurt me by not being able to tell me the truth. So please Mikey, just tell me." My words sound almost pathetic as I try to look at him, my eyes full of tears.
"I can't," he replies calmly and stops. A choking feeling clutches my throat, and I struggle to take a deep breath.

My fingers run frantically over my face to wipe away the tears and I lower my gaze to the floor. My fingernails claw into the fabric of my top as I try to stifle the rising despair.
"Then I'll have to trust others, because I can't stay with you like this," I begin calmly. My nails dig painfully into the palm of my hand. "It's over, Mikey. I don't want anymore," I whisper softly, my words barely making it past my quivering lips, and I walk past him. I wait for his hand to reach for my arm or words that would stop me or convince me to stay.

But none of this happens. Instead, he just looks at the floor and lets me go. In that moment, I feel the worst pain I've ever felt and it feels like my insides are being torn apart.

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