ENG - My best friend's sister ᵐᶦᵏᵉʸ ˣ ᵒᶜ

98

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How did I end up in this situation?
What if I hurt someone again?
How do I manage to inflict so much pain and suffering on everyone around me?
My thoughts are racing in my head and I can feel the emptiness spreading through me. Especially Emma and Kenchin, the two people I love more than my own life, could become the next victims of my self-destructive actions. Mei, whom I love deeply, has already suffered so much because of my actions. I feel the sting in my chest when I think of how she is afraid of me. It tears my heart apart. I never wanted it to come to this.

The days go by, but my friend's condition doesn't get better, it gets worse day by day. Every time I look at her, I can feel the wall of fear and alienation that she has built around herself. The warmth and intimacy between us has disappeared.
She no longer wants me.
I can no longer allow the people who mean so much to me to suffer because of my behavior. Emma and Kenchin deserve a long, happy life together, maybe even with children of their own, without the constant threat I pose. Mei deserves someone who will make her happy for the rest of her life, who will protect her and not put her in danger. And the only solution to that is to hurt them so that they can be happy without me. One last time, by my own hand.
I'll let them go, all of them, and they'll have to hate me for it. It breaks my heart, but it's the only way I can see to give them the happiness they deserve.

Like every day, I take the familiar route to her, but this time it will be the last time. Outside her door, I take a deep breath to prepare myself for what is about to happen. The words I am about to utter are already tearing my heart apart and bringing tears to my eyes.
I knock and shortly afterwards Emma opens the door. She has almost moved in with Kenchin since that incident, to be near him in case something should happen. Without a word, I enter the apartment and go straight to the door of my still beloved friend's room. I completely ignore Kenchin's greeting.
Without knocking, I step into her room. She immediately looks at me in shock and crawls anxiously back onto her bed. I try to look calm on the outside, but a storm is raging inside me. I step closer to the bed and grab her arm to pull her roughly out of bed. Her mouth opens to say something back, but I beat her to it. "Enough is enough. Either you pull yourself together and be my girlfriend again or that's it," I say angrily. Her eyes immediately fill with tears and I notice Emma and Kenchin standing in the doorway, watching us.

I press her against her wardrobe and take her face in my hands to look at her. Without giving it much thought, because otherwise I'd back out, I kiss her. I know I'm forcing her to do something she's not ready to do and it hurts her. She struggles beneath me, beating desperately against my chest and crying into the forced kiss. I taste her salty tears. Before anything more can happen, I feel hands on my shoulders, pulling me away from her.
"Are you out of your mind?" Kenchin shouts at me and punches me in the face.
I look up at him angrily and grab Mei's arms again, pulling her towards me. She immediately starts to struggle against my grip. "Let go of me!" she begs desperately, but I don't think about it.
I press her back against me and fix her with my gaze. "Forget it. You're my girlfriend and if I do this..." I start to slide my hands along her sides until I reach the hem of her top and push it up, letting my hands disappear underneath, "...I'll do it. So let me do it, I don't feel like waiting anymore," I finish the sentence.

She continues to scream and wants to run away from me, but I don't let her escape and continue to explore her body. Kenchin comes at me again and literally snatches Mei out of my hands, pushing me against the wall and beating me again and again until I've had enough. I kick at him, causing him to fall back, and turn back to Mei, who has now fled to Emma. "Stay away from me!" she screams at me. "You will come to me immediately or I will make you," I growl menacingly.
Her tears and the fear in her eyes intensify. She shakes her head violently and takes a step back every time I approach her. "I don't want to," she breaks out brittlely.
"I don't care what you want. I'm tired of this shit. Grow up and deal with what happened," I shout at her, causing her to flinch and cover her ears as she collapses on the floor.
"Mikey!" Emma joins in and looks at me angrily. I have to hurt her too to protect her...

Before Emma can say anything else, I hit her in the face with the back of my hand, knocking her against the wall. "Don't interfere," I say coolly. Behind me, all I can feel is Kenchin getting up and punching me again.
He pins me to the floor and punches me again and again. "What's your fucking problem," he yells at me, his face contorted with rage. "What I've been saying all along: she's my girlfriend, so she should act like one and not ignore me," I say relatively calmly, but inside I'm screaming in exasperation.
"But I can see there's no point anyway," I start a new sentence. "The damage that's been done to her isn't worth repairing. Her body looks terrible, with the scars, completely disgusting," I finish the sentence. And again I feel his fist in my face. I can already taste the blood, but I don't care, it doesn't hurt. Because the lies I tell hurt me more.

"Whatever," I say, effortlessly flinging Kenchin away from me. "I was only screwing her anyway because you were screwing my sister. Just evened out like I ever had a thing for her," I continue, walking towards Mei.
Mei has sat down on the floor and is covering her ears because she doesn't want to hear the horrible words and lies I'm about to say. Emma is still standing against the wall, her face reddened from my slap. She looks at me, angry and disappointed, while I just feel like I'm falling apart.
I kneel down in front of Mei and force her to look at me by grabbing her chin. "You were just a nice distraction. You're really stupid and naive if you thought I loved you. You bought every single one of my lies," I tell her straight to her face. And you'll believe that lie too...
It's as if a part of me breaks when I see her tears and the horror in her eyes. "I..." she begins. "I... Hate you Mikey..." she finishes brittlely, and damn how much I hate myself at this moment. "Get the fuck out of here, Mikey. If I see you again, I'll kill you," Kenchin yells again and grabs me by the collar again, literally throwing me out the door.

As the door slams shut behind me, it feels like I've lost not only Mei, but also a part of myself forever. The idea that I have hurt her like this will torment me for the rest of my life. But maybe it's exactly what I deserve for all the pain I've caused her - that she's gone through because of me.

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