You Light Up My Life

His Perspective

(A/N: This chapter up to the upcoming chapters are Kibum's Point of View.) 

"I'm sorry." Jinki apologized to me. "Don't worry about it." I assured him. I pulled out from him after we saw Jonghyun with wide eyes full of shock. Jinki knew that I don't want to continue. Jinki had been the most very understanding boyfriend to me. Even though I used him for some reasons, he used to ask if I'm alright. I didn't intend to hurt him. He knew that I don't love him like the way I love Jonghyun. 

Three years ago, Jinki found me crying on the street after I found out about my condition. He's the only one who knew all my secrets. I even kept it from Jonghyun because  I'm scared that he might be disgusted to me when he found out about this. 

I was born as having two sex organs in my body. Yes, I'm a hermaphrodite and that explains why I topped Jinki instead of me under him. He respects my decision of not deflowering my ass. I'm scared.. I'm scared to get pregnant. 

This is one of the reason why my family needs to move here in New York. They need to check my condition since I always release blood from my butt. The doctors who checked it told us that I was having a menstrual period. I don't know what caused it since I'm a boy and I'm not a girl. I felt so disgusted. Even though I'm a gay, I can't seem to accept that I have this organ inside my body. This organ may seem to be abnormal in shape but it is still capable of bearing a child. I'm scared of what people may think of me. I'm scared of what people may say about my future child if I got married to someone else.

"Key, I know that you still love Jonghyun but why are you trying hard to make him jealous?" Jinki asked. "Because, I want him to feel how it hurts. I want him to feel how to be forgotten." I said coldly. Yes, Jonghyun did that. Before, I was so scared of having a conversation with him because he might found out that I'm having a hard time here. I don't want him to know. I don't want him to find out.

Jonghyun is my first true love. I've been in love with him since I'm just only five. I'm scared that he will reject me. I'm scared that he might forget me if he found out that I'm gay. I tried to have a crush on some girls but I can't. I even asked Krystal, a neighbor of ours to have some time with me but she rejected my offer. Why? Because she knew. She knew that I'm gay and I'm just using her to prove to Jonghyun that I'm a straight boy. 

When I was about to leave the country, I kissed Jonghyun on his cheeks as a sign that I truly have a crush on him but I think, Jonghyun took that as a bestfriend kiss. I don't know what to feel since I'm leaving. I don't know if I need to feel sad because I'm leaving him and might not see him again,  happy because I might not see him having crush on some girls or angry because he's stupid. 

I found out that Minho is somewhat close to Jonghyun and that's the chance to spy on him. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not but I really wanted to know what is he doing. I don't even want to talk to him when I learned that he wanted to forget me by using girls. I'm so hurt, devastated and my heart was completely injured.  I decided to change. I decided revenge. 

When Jinki confessed to me, I took the opportunity. I let myself be influenced by him. Before we had our relationship, he was completely different. He's the smart kind boy before but after he learned about the death of his father, he had completely changed. He became the massive smoker and alcoholic person now but still, his kind personality was stucked in his body and yet he managed to be rebellious. 

"Key, I know that it's hard for me to do this but if you continue hurting yourself using me, I might break up with you." "Break up? Why?" I asked and a little bit surprised about his words. I don't want to break up with him. I'm not ready. Not yet. "Because, I love you Key." He simply said. "And why do you want to break up with me if you love me?" I asked him face to face but now, he shifted his body to the other side and I'm facing his back. "Because... because.. I want you.. to.. be.. happy." He stuttered when saying those words. I felt my heart being ripped when I heard him cry. I just can't seem to accept that I hurt him because of my revenge for Jonghyun. Am I that too bad? Am I that merciless? I even hurt two people just to do this. How stone hearted are you, Key? "I'm sorry, Jinki." I hugged him and he stroked my hands. "It's okay, I'm still your bestfriend." He assured me. I was so touched when he just told me these words. "Jinki, thank you." I pecked his cheeks and grabbed my coat. Even though my pride still covering my brain, my heart always told me to look for him and that made me the conclusion. I need to find Jonghyun.