You Light Up My Life

Understanding

"I love you too.. Kibum." I said as he closed his eyes to have some rest. I know that it's hard to understand what's really happening to my boyfriend but at some point, I need to understand his feelings. Maybe the reason why he haven't told me about his condition is because of his fear that I might be disgusted of him. Of course, I will not be disgusted. He's my one and only true love. Even when he has this contagious disease, I'll still love him. 

I stood up from my seat and walked to see the windows. I watched the people walking on the streets. I suddenly remember what Kibum had told me. "I'm disgusting, filthy, unworthy, betrayed you so many times, hurt you, I'm not perfect and I'm not a girl." The reason why he's doubting of my love to him. These words that made my heart shattered. I felt like I needed to give him more. I needed to show him that I love him whatever he is. Words aren't enough but actions too. 

I watched the birds fly in the sky. I remember what happened yesterday that made me felt betrayed for a second. 

FLASHBACK 

"Hello?" 

"Hello? Is this Kim Kibum's residence?" 

"Yes, this is his. How can I help you?" 

"Mr. Kim is in the hospital. He needs to be confined here for a few days." 

"Why? What happened to him?" 

"I'll explain later when you reached here. We're in New York City Medical." 

"Okay, thank you." 

"Thank you. I'm Dr. Lee." 

".." 

I hang up the phone immediately and ran to the hospital. I want to know exactly what happened to my Kibum. I hope it's not this bad. I'm going to kill myself if something happened to him, bad. As I reached the hospital, I asked the nurses to where Kibum's room is. I ran to the elevator and waited to reach the fifth floor. I saw the room where Kibum was confined and a doctor came to my side. 

"Are you Mr. Kim's companion?" 

"Yes, I'm his.." 

"Boyfriend." 

"How did you know that?" 

"Oh, I exactly know everything about Kibum." 

"You speak Korean?" 

"I do. I'm Kibum's private doctor since we're in Korea." 

"What happened to Kibum?" 

"Let's take a sit first." 

Dr. Lee brought me to a vacant room. He let me took my seat and he sat opposite of me. 

"Mr. Kim has this condition where he needs to be monitored. He's a hermaphrodite." 

"What?" 

"Hermaphrodite means having two sex organs inside your body. Kibum has a complete male organ as well as female's. Even though he has this female organ, this organ makes him weak. He usually have his monthly menstrual period like girls have but it's not normal. Kibum has an irregular uterus that made his abdomen really hurts a lot and blood flowing from his rectum are not normal like any mentrual cycle occur. Not only egg cells are released but also some blood that are not connected to his female organ. Also, Kibum can be able to bear a child but when he became pregnant, he might die. Maybe that's one of the reason why he is afraid of having sex with anyone." 

"When did these things happened?" 

"Since he was born, he had these. He was forced to be here in America to be examined." 

I was taken aback with his words. So, that's the reason why he left. That's the reason why he was preventing himself in making love with me. And that's the reason why he tops. And one thing that made me wonder, why did he hide it from me? I was so betrayed that everyone knows about this but I never knew. Why?

"Why?" 

"Excuse me?" 

"Why did he hide it from me?" 

"Mr. Kim told me about this before he collapsed. He told me that he was afraid to tell you because you might leave him if you found out. For more details, why don't you ask Mr. Kim himself. I was only here to give you what Mr. Kim's condition is." 

"Okay, thank you Dr. Lee." 

"My pleasure, Mr, Kim. Take care of him well." 

"I will." 

END OF FLASHBACK

I went back to Kibum's side and held his hands. "I will never, ever leave your side. I promise." I leaned forward to Kibum's sleeping figure and pecked his forehead. "I love you, Kibum. I love you more than my life. Sleep well." Then I placed my head to his sides, bury my face into my arms and drifted myself off to dreamland.