Querencia

22

Eunjae wanted to say he was happy that Joshua was sitting across from him, mindlessly eating, as if nothing had happened. He was happy, but the bitter pain was still rooted in his gut, and he knew that he would need some time before things with Joshua would feel the same. He hoped Joshua would understand.

"So....," Eunjae was aware that this conversation was going to be awkward, but even after what had happened, Joshua was his best friend, and he had a lot of catching up to do. "Do you love him?" 

Joshua choked, coughing loudly before staring at Eunjae with wide eyes. "Do you really want to know?" 

Eunjae pursed his lips decidedly, thinking for a moment before nodding. "It's not a secret anymore. I'm not happy about how you handled it, but I know everyone seems to think I still like him, so I need you to know, I really don't. Not even a little bit."

Joshua looked doubtful, and Eunjae rolled his eyes, looking to the side. Things were definitely awkward between them.

"Look, I really want to know. Even if you're a shit best friend," Joshua wanted to be offended, but he accepted it, wanting to avoid any more conflicts, "you're still my best friend. I'm not returning you, not yet. But if you ever keep something like this from me again, I promise you, it will be over. Even if it means that I eat lunch in the bathroom, I won't forgive you." 

Joshua nodded, waving a piece of chicken in front of Eunjae; a peace offering. "I am sorry, I just didn't want to hurt you." 

Eunjae crossed his arms, but his lips were trembling from the effort to keep from smiling. "But you did, so be honest with me next time."

Joshua nodded, and Eunjae gave him a small smile. "So, do you?" 

Joshua took a deep breath, and Eunjae noticed how his eyes lit up even thinking about it. "I think so, Eunjae. He makes me so happy, when I'm with him, it's just, different than anything else. I really like him, and now that you know, I don't have to feel guilty about everything." 

Eunjae raised his eyebrows, "you should still be a little guilty, just a little longer. I haven't quite gotten over it yet." 

Joshua chuckled, "and you're not sensitive?" 

"My best friend has been secretly dating someone without telling me, if I wasn't upset, I think I'd be a sociopath, having no feelings." 

Joshua's phone buzzed, and they both shifted awkwardly, knowing who it was. "I can stay-"

"No, I don't think I can stand to see you for even a minute more," Eunjae smiled, "I want to go back anyways." 

Neither of them spoke as they walked back to campus; Eunjae stared forward, his hands in his pockets, and Joshua glanced up at him every few steps, trying to detect even a hint of negative emotion. They knew that it was almost uncomfortable to be next to each other, but they both pretended not to notice. 

When they parted ways, Eunjae sighed in relief, hurrying to his room so that he could be alone. Or rather, so that he could ignore Woozi and whoever he had invited over.

He wanted to find Minghao, but he was worried that his frantic emotions would get in the way and set him off. 

He was relieved that he didn't have to avoid Joshua anymore, but he would be lying if he wasn't still a little hurt. He would do his best to hide it until he got over it, but he was worried about what would happen now. 

And, more importantly, he was worried about what Joshua had said. 

Minghao didn't want to hide, but was Eunjae ready to admit that he was gay to everyone? What if word got back to his parents, what then? The thought made his stomach churn. He didn't know what to do.

Sorry Minghao, just wait a little longer.