Exotica

Losin' Control

♡ Amini Howard ♡

"I don't need your help, I'm okay." I pull my arm out of his grip and close the car door behind me, wrapping my arms around my body as I feel the breeze from the November morning air brush against my skin. I forgot how cold it gets in California during the fall and chose the wrong day to wear a tank top and some shorts.

"I was just trying to help." He replies, resting his hand on my lower back. I step aside and away from him. The last thing I want right now it to be touched. I don't want affection right now. I just want to get this over with and act like none of this ever happened instead of letting emotions get involved. I did enough of that when I cried two days straight; I have no time to do that now so I won't.

"You can actually wait in the car." I state as we enter the hospital through the double sliding doors. He looks down at me and shakes his head no. "You're going into surgery and you expect me to sit in the car and wait?" A laugh releases from his lips as he runs his hand down his tired face.

I told him not to stay up late last night but he insisted on making sure that I was okay and now he's beyond exhausted. "I'll wait here in the waiting room but not in the car what kind of b-"

"You should go home," I cut him off. "Get some sleep, you look tired." I say with a pat on his chest as I walk over to the front desk to check in.

After probably fifteen to twenty mintues, I hear my name being called and before I know it, I'm being led down one of the hallways and into an empty room. "The doctor will be with you shortly, change into this." I take the gown out of the nurse's hand; quickly changing into it before sitting down on the hard bed. I interlock my fingers and look around the empty room as thoughts cloud my mind.

"Now's not the time." I say to myself as I feel tears coming on. "You can't be sad over something you've never got the chance to even know." I refer to my fetus that never got to be born nor develop properly. "I want to say I'll miss you but, I'm not sure it's possible to miss someone you never really knew to begin with." How could I miss a child I never got to bond with nor a child I never knew I was carrying?

Should I even have the right to be sad about this? I wasn't attached to it emotionally but it did hurt once finding out the news. I of course cried but, should I have if I truly didn't get a chance to know the child? I looked online about women who went through the same thing as me and some were heartbroken while others couldn't fully understand what to feel. In a way I'm a bit of both; when I first found out I was devastated and cried until I got a headache, I stayed to myself for the first day but afterwards I became so nonchalant to the situation.

Is that wrong of me be numb or not completely heartbroken like other women?

I know that if I think too hard about it I'll cry but if I don't it's like it's whatever to me which makes me feel like such a fucked up and heartless person.

"Hello Miss Howard, how are you today?" I look over at the door and see a doctor standing in a doorway with a surgical mask covering his mouth. In walks the nurse and she instantly begins to aid me by hooking me up the an IV. "The surgery should take about an hour. If you're stable enough to go home afterwards we'll release you if not, you'll have to stay overnight just so we can know that you're recovering well."

I nod and rest my hand on my stomach as I watch the nurse check the monitor. Before I knew it, I felt myself getting sleepy and drifting off.

---

I slowly open my eyes and groan at my stomach pain. What's the point of pain meds if the pain is still there once waking up? I try turning on my side only for someone to tell me to stop. Lifting my head, I meet his dark brown eyes. He licks over his plump lips and stands up, "You're finally awake, how are you feeling?" I stare at him instead of replying. How was I feeling, I have no clue; does he mean mentally or physically?