A Malec Story

Chapter 56: I loved and I loved and I lost you

Alec

How can I say this without breaking

How can I say this without taking over

How can I put it down into words

When it's almost too much for my soul alone

I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell

I don't want them to know the secrets
I don't want them to know the way I loved you
I don't think they'd understand it, no
I don't think they would accept me, no

I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell

Dreams fight with machines
Inside my head like adversaries
Come wrestle me free
Clean from the war
Your heart fits like a key
Into the lock on the wall
I turn it over, I turn it over
But I can't escape
I turn it over, I turn it over

I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
I loved and I loved and I lost you
And it hurts like hell

- Fleurie, Hurts Like Hell

Camille wasn't there anymore. All Alec knew was he wanted her dead. After her betrayal it was what she deserved. But he was too late. She was already murdered by someone else. And now Alec couldn't do anything else than do what Magnus had demanded. Go to his place and get his things, leave the key on the dining table. He was going to be out all day.

Alec's feet brought him to Brooklyn on their own command. He was completely dazed when he climbed the stairs and put his key in the lock. This is the last time I'm going to use this key.

Inside the apartment everything was familiar. It smelled like Magnus, it smelled like home. Chairman Meow came towards him and nudged his calf. Alec picked him up absentmindedly and ruffled his fur. This is the last time...

He felt his knees buckle, and he slid down the wall to the floor, the cat in his arms, and he buried his face in the Chairman's fur. He couldn't do it. Couldn't walk through this apartment, which had been his safe place, his shelter, his haven, and take all that was his and then walk away. How could he walk away from the best thing that had ever happened in his life. He couldn't do it alone, he needed help. He knew if he didn't call anyone for help he'd be here until the next day and Magnus would come home and...

Maybe he would take him back? He did say he loved him. Aku cinta kamu.

Alec thought it was probably Indonesian, now that he knew that was Magnus's mother tongue. He couldn't believe that was information he got from Camille instead of Magnus himself. And there was still so much he didn't know. So much he wanted to know. Who had he loved and who had loved him? Whose heart did he break, who broke his heart? Where did he live, what did he do? Alec wanted to know, because he loved him.

If he would stay here, and Magnus would return...

It would be useless, Alec knew that. Magnus would probably be mad at him because he didn't do what he'd asked. And even if he wouldn't be mad, he still wouldn't answer these questions. He'd let Alec swim in the great unknown.

Alec sighed deep against the cat, who didn't seem to mind. He felt the tears well up in his eyes and groaned. He didn't want to cry, to be so broken and weak. He fought back the tears, telling himself to man up, and he pulled out his phone. He needed help. Jace was the first one on his mind, but Jace was still in the infirmary. Isabelle was next on his list. After the second ring she answered.

"Alec?" She sounded worried, as if she knew something was wrong.

"Iz." Even his voice sounded broken, and he couldn't continue speaking.

"What's going on, Alec? Where are you?" Isabelle's voice sounded so familiar in his ears, Alec felt himself relax. He knew he could tell her anything and she'd be there for him.

"I need you," he whispered. "Can you come?"

"Are you in Brooklyn?"

"Yes."

"I'm on my way," and she hung up the phone.

Alec had no idea how much time passed before Isabelle showed up. He just sat there against the wall, hugging the Chairman and trying with all his might to not completely fall apart. When the buzzer sounded he got up painfully and buzzed her in, opening the front door and, at the same time, sunk back to the floor.

Isabelle appeared at the entrance and knelt in front of him. "Alec, why are you sitting on the floor? Where's Magnus?"

Alec stared up at his sister, who looked pretty shocked, which was unique for Isabelle. "He's gone," he said, barely audible.

"Gone? Gone where? How?" Isabelle's voice was tinged with confusion.

Alec sucked in a deep breath and told her what happened, in fits and starts, barely able to finish as he almost choked on the words. The last thing he told her was that Camille was dead, and that he needed to take his stuff out of this apartment. "But I can't do it. You have to help me."

"I'll help you," Isabelle said softly, "Come."

She pulled him to his feet, his legs were aching and he walked slowly as Izzy led him to the couch. "You sit here, I'll get your stuff and then we go home."

Isabelle pushed him down gently and walked through the door in the direction of the bedroom. She was very efficient, within ten minutes she'd been through the bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen. He didn't need to tell her what was his, she knew, and Alec felt a little bit better because he knew she'd always be there for him.

She sunk next to him on the sofa, the plastic bag filled with his stuff in her hands. She put the bag down and reached out a hand, softly brushing Alec's hair out of his eyes. "It's going to be okay," she says, "I know he loves you. He'll take you back."

"I don't know about that," Alec said, "He said it didn't change anything."

"But it does," Izzy said.

"It hurts, Izzy," Alec whispered, feeling desperate, because he knew he needed to get up and walk away now. There was nothing keeping him here. Leave the key on the dinner table. "I can't escape it and it hurts like hell."

Isabelle threw her arms around him then and held him close. "I know, I know," she whispered, "It sucks, Alec. But you are strong, you can take it. We're Lightwoods, remember?"

He buried his face in her hair, inhaling her familiar scent, and it calmed him down. "We can take whatever they throw at us," she said softly in his ear.

Alec nodded and got up then, pulling Isabelle up with him. He took the key out of his pocket and dropped it on the table. The keys reminded him of the padlocks on the many bridges in Europe.

Nous serons encore amoureux avec les couleurs de printemps.

We'll still be in love in the spring.

Of course we will be...

"Let's go," he said, shaking off the memory of Paris.

Isabelle took the bag from the floor and walked out the door. Alec followed her, but turned around one last time on the threshold. His eyes landed on Chairman Meow who looked at him with his green-gold eyes with the slitted cat pupils, so similar to Magnus's. Somehow the cat seemed sad. He doesn't want me to leave, Alec thought. He didn't want to leave himself, either. The Chairman walked over with feline grace and nudged his head against Alec's calve. Everything about the cat reminded Alec of Magnus. Even the way he nuzzled against him brought back memories of Magnus nuzzling his nose in Alec's neck. The cat's unwillingness to see him go unlocked a flare of hope deep within. As if Magnus and his cat were connected in some way. Alec read this sign of affection as a reason to not give up yet. He squatted down and petted the cat, curling his fingers in the fur, he closed his eyes and saw Magnus behind his closed eyelids, his hands trailing through the warlocks black hair. This won't be the last time, he thought, you hear me, Magnus, I'm not going to give up on us.