A Malec Story

Chapter 58: Without you

Without you

Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?
How do you fly with no wings
How do you breathe without dreams
Where do we go from here?

- Ruelle, Where do we go from here?

Magnus

Magnus was lying on the couch in Tessa's living room in the Spiral Labyrinth. She was sitting in a chair across from him, listening to his story. His story of pain and heartbreak and Alexander Lightwood. "I can't believe I put myself through this," he confessed to her.

"You loved him," Tessa said, simply.

"I still love him," Magnus said, "That doesn't mean it wasn't incredibly stupid to think this would work."

Tessa sighed. "You should forgive him for what he's done. He is only a boy and it's not good for you to hold a grudge. You know Camille and her cunning ways. You can't hold it against him."

Magnus looked at her. Tessa had always been such a steady factor in his life. She could state the truth in clear and simple wordings, and she was almost always right.

"I know," Magnus said softly, "I'll forgive him. I already did, truly. But that doesn't change anything. It just doesn't work, Tessa. To be with a mortal, always afraid that they'll die and leave you behind. Knowing I can never ever follow him in death."

"You don't have to explain that to me, out of all people, I know. It's not easy on us, immortals, to see them age and die," Tessa said, mildly. "But, Magnus, if it's love..."

"Maybe that worked for you," Magnus interrupted her, knowing she had loved a mortal and that she had been heartbroken for decades after Will had died. "But I remember Paris, Tessa. And how you wept in my arms that night. Don't tell me it was worth it. I can't do it."

He closed his eyes, and instantly Alec's face loomed in the blackness. His blue eyes piercing and that cute little lopsided grin on his face. "It just doesn't work, Alec," he muttered.

"Magnus." Tessa's voice sounded worried.

Magnus sighed, "How can you breathe without dreams, Tessa? Where do we go from here, how do we move on? Can you tell me that?"

Tessa stood up and nudged his shoulder. He opened his eyes and looked at her. "Another cup of tea?" she asked, gently, "I can't help you get over him, but at least I can give you tea."

He smiled up at her, a smile that didn't reach his eyes, a smile he didn't feel in his heart. "Thank you," he said, "Tea's all I need right now."

After a week spent with Tessa in the Spiral Labyrinth Magnus didn't feel any better about his decision, though it didn't change his mind. Even if Tessa was prodding him about it, he was still absolutely sure. He was never going to do this again.

He knew he was beginning to calcify. He had difficulty with opening up, even to Tessa. He didn't want to linger on the past. He didn't know how to hope for the future and he started to feel restless, being away from home. He was considering going back to Brooklyn. He was the High Warlock of Brooklyn after all, and his expertise was needed. His voicemail was filled with people wanting something from him. And with Alec, pleading, sounding desperate. Isabelle, too, had called several times, threatening him, demanding him to take Alec back. Even Clary and Simon had called.

Magnus really didn't want their involvement in his life anymore. It hurt too much. And Alec. God, he missed him so much. It physically hurt. No, he didn't want to go to Brooklyn. Where the red coffee maker stood in the kitchen. Where Alec's scent would linger. But he couldn't stay here and hide any longer. Tomorrow, he told himself, tomorrow he would go back.