A Furious Chick

Letters

Brian

"Katherine?" I walked in the house, shutting the door softly behind me. It was quiet. Deadly quiet. I walked upstairs and checked in the girls room. They weren't home. I went into our room. Katherine was sound asleep, the girls piled on her who were also asleep. My girls. All four of them. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I took a picture and went back downstairs.

I sat in my kitchen for a while, drinking a beer and just thought about random shit. I saw Katherine's briefcase and laptop on the counter. Her laptop was on. And there was some papers on the counter. She was working and she stopped to pay attention to our kids. That warmed my heart.

I walked over to the papers to clean up. Her laptop had cases that were being transferred to other hotspots. Germany, London, Brazil....She was declining cases. I closed her laptop and put it in her briefcase. I began to scoop up the papers but these weren't actual papers that was needed for work. More like paragraphs she was writing. I sat down and drank my beer as I read.

To Nobody,
It's been a week without you and everyday my hatred for you grows. You left us. Me and Kaleb needed you. And you made me end you. It's a struggle to wake up now. It's a struggle to sleep. It's a struggle to read a case. I can't function knowing that it was me who did this. You are a fucking bastard, Nobody. I will never forgive this.

To Mr. Nobody,
I sit outside your house every morning and just stare, praying you come outside in a suit, way too much gel on your hair and glasses. But you don't. And every time that I drive off without you in the car, a part of my heart falls. I can't breathe, I can't think without wanting to breakdown. I miss you.

To Mr. Nobody,
I don't want to do this anymore.

"It's rude to read things that don't belong to you."

I turned around, my heart jumping out of my chest. Katherine stood there, rubbing her eyes and yawning. I was frozen.

"Relax, Brian. I'm not going to hurt you." She walked to me. "I was going to put those by his headstone."

"But why?" I asked.

"Because Nobody is dead. That's why." She sat next to me and took my beer. She drank it.

"I'm sorry, Katherine. I whispered.

She gave me a small smile and squeezed my hand. "I want to quit."

I listened to her.

"I don't want to kill. I don't want to fight. I don't want to file paperwork. I want to be a mother and have more kids, maybe a dog. I'm tired of the suit. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired-"

"Go on."

"Of living."

My shoulders dropped.

"But since Nobody decided to die, it's on my shoulders to keep the tough face and push through it. But how can you push through this?"

"You don't." I informed her. "You're going to live with this every single day for the rest of your life. You're going to have to deal with it."

"I know." She nodded. "Remember when it was your mission to save me from the bad guys?"

I nodded.

"Well, I feel like you're always saving me. But not from bad guys. From this." She pointed at her head. "My head is a dark place. My head has made me do fucked up things. Fighting, killing, that's implanted in my heart forever. But my mind is dark. It's cold. It's agonizing. And you're always saving my head. Who saves you?"

I moved closer to her. "Waking up every morning and seeing your face. Walking past me and smelling your favorite perfume that you spray on each wrist and both sides of your neck. Hearing your keys in the door. Walking through the office and seeing you at your desk on your tenth coffee of the hour. Hearing you say my name despite the fact that you're mad or sad. Watching you grip a steering wheel. Watching your cheeks turn red when you get frustrated with me. You've shot me, punched me, kicked me and curse me out. But seeing you...I don't see a killer even though that's what you are. I see someone who didn't get a chance to experience normalcy. You experienced pain from the time you were born. And I need you to know that I see through that. You're amazing. So to answer your question, you have been saving me for years and you don't even know it. You don't know your impact."

Her cheeks turned red.

"See what I mean?" I poked her cheeks. She swatted my hands away and laughed. "I love you now and I'll love you forever. Just remember that please. You can lean on me."

She was beginning to break down. I saw it in her face. "I need it to stop. Please. Make it go away. I can't."

I pulled her into me, standing up. I rubbed her back and head as she leaned on my chest.

"Please make it stop." She sobbed.

I continued rubbing her.

"You're going to be okay." I said softly. "You'll wake up one day without so much pain and so much suffering. You'll be able to put your head on a pillow without having an issue falling asleep. You'll find your way. Because your Katherine Howard. Even when you have nothing, you have your resilience. Just give it a minute to kick in."

She leaned her head back and looked at me. "What would I do without you."

"Kill everyone on planet Earth and be left alone." I joked softly. "Or end up with Luke."

She cracked a sad smile.

"I'm burning those papers." I informed her.

She didn't seem happy.

"He was a good man." I reminded her.

She let out a breath. "I'm going back to sleep. Come when you're ready?"

"If there's space on the bed." I wiped her face and gave her a kiss. "I love you."

"I love you." She whispered before heading back upstairs.

-Chicken Soup 🍜