A Furious Chick

Goodbyes

Katherine

It was one in the morning and the sky was clear, and stars twinkled. I stopped the car right outside of the cemetery and got out. I pulled my sweater slightly to zip it up but my stomach was growing, my baby boy was big as fuck already, so it was not closing. I was annoyed. I walked over to the gates and unlocked it with my badge. I entered, closing the gate behind me. I headed down the path. My lungs were squeezing shut. I felt lightheaded. Like I said. I never had the courage to come here. I had a few things in my pocket that needed to be placed.

His gravestone was the freshest there considering he was the last leader to pass. I stared at it for a long time.

A leader, a friend, a Father.

I knew my mother had something to do with the father bit. I appreciated that. I pulled the pieces of paper from my pocket and sat down on the soil. I stared at his gravestone.

"Hey." I whispered.

It was silent. What did I expect? Him to show up? I sighed.

"I miss you." I continued, feeling uneasy. "A lot is happening and I haven't visited you because I am in fact a coward. But I'm here now. And I'm sorry. I'm having a baby. A baby boy. It's crazy, hmm? The loss of life generates the birth of a new one? Wicked. He moves a lot, he is very hungry. All the time. Brian is excited. He's been very good to me, Jonathan. He's really supportive right now. The girls are very happy. Constantly fighting one another, reminds me of Kaleb and I."

I knew that if Nobody was here with me right now, he would ask me about me. He would have told me to talk about me.

"I'm not okay. In all honesty. It is wrong of me to say this aloud but I must. I'm hurting really bad. Haven't been able to pick up a gun or even look at a mission. I just really miss you. I could really use a speech right now about strength and about pushing through the nonsense and it sucks because you're not here."

I began to cry. My chest hurts, my head was foggy. I just miss my dad. I got a call on my cell phone and answered it without even looking at who was calling me.

"Howard." I sniffled.

"Where are you?" It was Brian.

"I'm okay. Went for a drive."

"Why are you crying?" He sounded worried.

"It's called letting go." I took a deep breath.

"Kat-"

"I gotta go. I'm in the middle of a conversation."

I hung up.

"I love you." I patted the soil he was deep under. "I miss you."

I placed a letter on his headstone. One I wrote when he first passed and I must say it was the most emotional thing I've ever written. I was sad. Very sad.

"I just want to be happy, Jonathan." I sighed. "I'm tired of pain and grief and sadness."

I felt so unbelievably sad. It was choking me. My child was having a field day inside of me, going absolutely crazy. I rubbed my stomach.

"But I'll be okay. I promise." I stood up and kissed the headstone. "Don't worry about me or Kaleb."

I took another deep breath and wiped my face.

"Give my father a hug for us."