Collide : A Robsten Fanfiction

Chapter 39 : Honest Questions

(Author's Note : This is in reference to Chapter 13: Regrets)

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November 2015, Los Angeles

"Are you crying?" Nic asked.

"No" I answered, with a little sniffle.

I heard him sigh. He was driving me home from another party. There was just so many parties and nights out lately.  There was also a lot of confusion in my chest right now. It's painful again.

Suddenly, Nic drove the car to the shoulder, slowing down to stop.

"What are you doing?" I turned to him. I wanted to go home badly already. I was starting to feel a little unwell, a little weak-hearted.

He didn't answer, he only went out and went around to my side to open the car door for me.

"What?" I asked, but he already succeeded in letting me out. 

"Let's sit over here." He said as he led me to the ledge that overlook the city.

We were driving back down, and it seems we stopped at a part of the road overlooking downtown LA. It was a beautiful view.

I paused and stared at it for a moment. Wow. Now this was distraction. It was a welcome one. You rarely appreciate beautiful things when you are too distracted with the misery in your life.

It was night time Los Angeles and the lights from this view was mesmerizing. I enjoyed it for a while.

It was like a minute after when I realized Nic has been silent too. I glanced at him. he was there standing right beside me, hands in his pockets, eyes closed and slowly taking breaths of the fresh air around us.

I couldn't be more thankful for his friendship and companionship right now. It's unfair, this situation we are in. I don't want to hurt him anymore.

"He kissed me" I blurted out.

No answer.

"Rob. Rob kissed me Nic"  I said more clearly.

Still no answer. I sighed.

"He was probably drunk. He took me to the terrace and I thought it was his usual 'reminiscing' moments where he talks alot about random stuff...you know how he is lately." I explained. I glanced at Nic, he wasn't looking up or closing his eyes anymore. He was looking down, but I know he is patiently listening like he used to when we were still in Japan and Singapore.

He was there too, back when I was too miserable to care about anything, back when I had only him to talk to coz my friends were halfway across the world.  Nicholas had been there to be the default shoulder.

"Why is he doing this Nic? Why now?" I whispered. It was a question I keep asking myself also. It was more for me than for Nic to answer.  "Him with his girlfriend trailing behind him everytime...now that she was not there tonight he had the nerve to...the nerve to...." I gasped and faltered.  My emotions were getting the best of me.

I closed my eyes trying to regain composure, before I got the other words out and broke into a sob I felt Nic's arms go around me.

"Stop....you don't have to think about it for now."  He said. "You'll be fine" He added before dropping a kiss on top of my head.

"I don't think I'll be fine for the next few days" I admitted between the gasping.

He released me, but made me look at him first.  He smiled benignly.  "Then we'll look forward to the days after that"

I frowned a little.  He was being too positive, but I still can't help but wonder how he personally was feeling about this.  I wasn't exactly keeping up to snuff in this relationship of ours, whatever this was.

"Don't you hate me if I talk about him?" I asked honestly.

"Why would I? You don't hate me when I talk about Jen." He said with a little laugh.

I smiled.  "You and Jen are good friends...me and Rob..." I shrugged. There were no words to describe what we are to each other right now. 

We were silent for a few moments, just looking at the view.

"Kristen, can I ask you something?" Nic spoke up.

"Yeah?" I glanced at him again. A little wary of any honest questions right now.

"Do you still love him like you used to?"

Somehow in my mind I know Nicholas was going to ask that sooner or later.

It took me a few moments to come up with what I really feel. Do I still love him? Yes. I probably will forever.  Will I still be able to do anything about it? I don't know.

"Honestly? I don't know"

And that was the truth of the matter. Right now, I don't even know myself anymore.