Untamed

Chapter 50

Chapter 50

Pain.

That’s all I felt. When I was awake. When I was asleep. It was the nightmares that plagued my sleep. It was the constant ache in my chest. The weakness in my body. The nausea that ceased my hunger. The pain of my muscles from the training I forced them to endure to block out the heartache. It was only ever pain.

I tried to strengthen myself against the pain with the endless miles I would run, the hundreds of defensive and offensive routines I would do, and the back- breaking workouts to strengthen my muscles. It was only when I was training that the pain in my chest numbed itself.

I was running my usual trail, honing in all my senses on the forest around me. The insects skirting out of my way as I came near them, the heavy smell of damp earth lingered in the air, and the flashes of green and brown all hit my senses as I would run through the never-ending forest. I glanced up at the late afternoon sunlight streaking through the canopy landing in patterns of lace on the uneven forest floor. My music was blasting through my ears.

I felt the familiar sense of fatigue overwhelm me, as my vision darkened. I slowed my run, and leaned against a tree to catch my breath. I had only run a mile, and hadn’t even gotten to the routines yet. I was becoming too weak from being separated from Jace for just over a week now.

I wiped at the sweat on my forehead, and started the short walk back to orphanage. My mind wandered, no longer distracted by the training I forced myself to endure. I couldn’t block out the throbbing the memories brought, the aching in my chest, or the queasy feeling it left in the pit of my stomach.

When I got back went straight to the shower. Once in I leaned against the wall to help support myself. My legs were shaking, threatening to fall out from under me.

The separation was taking it toll quicker and harsher than I had ever remembered. My skin was pale with a gray undertone. My body was frail, like it could easily be knocked over by a harsh gust of wind. A constant pressure accompanied the lightheaded feeling, and unless I was working out I usually broke out in a cold sweat. There was also the constant nausea that never seemed to cease.

Even through all of this I still trained. I refused to allow myself ever be hurt by somebody again, so I trained. I refused to be weak, and let anyone ruin my life. I was going to take control of it. The best way to do so was to strengthen myself so I couldn’t be pushed around. It wasn’t until I started training that I realized how much pain it could block out. Having a drive for something seemed to do that. It numbed the pain.

Yet as soon as I was all done training, left the woods, and retired back into the orphanage all my strength seemed to collapse back down. It was like it had never even existed. So I was grateful for the throb of my muscles, reminding me of that goal that I had. It reminded me to not give up. To keep on fighting, even though every fiber in my body wanted me to give up.

I wanted to give up because my mate had used me. Because my mate created a plan that involved making me fall in love with him, sleeping with me, leaving me, gaining the power he needed to become alpha, and then never have to think about me ever again. Because my mate had been in love with another girl when he took my virginity. Because my mate had used me to get power, by making me fall in love with him. Because he should have left me right after he slept with me, instead of prolonging it, and waiting for me to fall in love with him before telling me the truth. Because Jace was a sadistic lying bastard.

Yet the ache in my muscles told me not to focus on the pain, but to focus on my strength.

Once I finished my shower I wrapped a warm towel around me, willing the warmth to penetrate my heart. There was no such luck as I dried myself off. When I entered my room, I saw Hailey waiting on her bed. I gave her a sideways glance as I headed to my dresser, where comfortable pajamas were waiting for me.