Learning To Fly

Marshall Denied

“Hey baby girl, how ya doing?”

I’m surprised to see Whitney sprawled out on the couch in my studio, it’s Thursday morning and for once I don’t blow up at her, maybe she’s already been to school this week and I should give her the benefit of the doubt until I know for sure, but she should be at school now and everyday in my opinion but I keep myself in check, it really wouldn’t help the situation if I flew off the handle over it.

“I’m good Dad, how are you? I haven’t seen you in ages, I just wanted to hang out if that’s OK?”  she yawns, obviously tired.

Picking her feet up I sit in the other end of the couch and rest her feet back on my legs

“Of course it’s fine, you don’t even have to ask, you know that! I’ve got a few bits to do but after we can go home and chill if you like” she nods her head “I’ve got some work to do for school, I’ll do it while I wait for you” her mention of school brings Jaime to the forefront of my mind, I hadn’t seen her since Saturday night and surprisingly hadn’t even thought about her until now.

I pulled out my phone and checked to see if I had any messages from her, but there were none, with fleeting disappointment I put away my phone, I don’t know what was I actually expecting from her or why I’d expected that she’d contacted me. She hadn't yet, everything that had happened between us had happened because I'd wanted it and I'd made it happen.

“Whit have you been to school this week?” I pretend to look for something on my phone while I wait for her to speak. I know Kim isn’t going to monitor this so I was resigned to making sure that Whitney attended at least once a week as she’d agreed with Jaime. For once someone was believing in us and I didn’t want to let Jaime down and Whitney, well she needed this too.

“No, Mom was busy and I had to look after Grandpa, I’m going tomorrow though and I’m almost up to date with my work” no wonder the kid come here for the day she’s probably tired of playing carer while Kim is out doing Christ knows what.

“OK, but remember we promised Miss Prince, baby, once a week and she’s doing extra work to help you out” I try my best to keep the conversation light and not to sound to preachy but I really want to get the point across and eventually she does agree with me and I trust her when she says that she’ll go tomorrow, she really will.

The room is silent for a moment, I get up and head over towards my desk and start working.
Whitney fidgets with her bag and gets her laptop out setting up on the table beside the couch “Hey Marsh” her cheery voice goes straight through me at her referring to me as anything but Dad, I know she’s not mine but I hate the reminder which she throws at me when she’s pissed off. I may not be her real Dad but in my heart and mind she is mine through and through. I ignore her attempt to bait me and don’t rise to it.

“Marsh, how long are you keeping your hair like that?” 

I look up at her running my fingers through my short dyed blonde hair “Not sure, why?” I ask, suddenly interested in where she going with this and what’s wrong with my hair.

“I don’t like it, it reminds me of before” she doesn’t look away from the laptop screen when she answers but the tone of her voice changes dramatically, she sounds sad, my hair reminds her of how I was when I was high, how I was in those days leading up to the overdose, when I tore my knee apart and finally me being away while I got clean. I’m such a shit! I never even gave it any thought about how changing the colour of my hair again might have given any of them flashbacks.

“I’ll change it back babygirl” Reaching over to her I grab her hand to try and reassure her that those days are long behind me and she looks up, giving me a look that rips me in two, whatever is going through her mind is some kind of playback of her memories from that time but she smiles shyly before whispering thank you and continuing with her school work.
I’d only had it done to support the release of my album but there didn’t seem to be any point in maintaining it any longer.