Learning To Fly

Heartbreaks and New beginnings

A/N Abortion is a contentious issue which I very much appreciate. I don't describe any process here. I am pro choice myself. If you think differently that's okay with me. Choices are choices.

“You’re what?” he shouts louder than I’ve ever heard him before, I very nearly shit my panties his voice booms so loudly in my tiny apartment.

“I’m pregnant Marshall”

I repeat myself once more a little more forcefully this time, he slams his fists against the wall.

“But you were taking the pill, how the fuck did this happen?”

I can feel myself getting angry and irritated by him now.

“I stopped taking it after you ended it and you fucked off, how was I supposed to know you'd show up a fortnight later for a pity fuck!”

I scream at him, he rubs at his eyes,over and over. Trying to erase this baby by magic I’m guessing.
"You can't keep it Jaime, I dont want no more kids!" He tries to reason with me.

I don’t want it any more than he does but I’ll be fucked if he thinks he can order me around.

I’m the person who has lost everything my job, my career, now about to lose my home because I'm not getting paid any time soon. My heart and self respect and it just makes me so fucking angry that he thinks it’s okay to stand in front of me shouting at me and ordering me to get a termination.

“I’ll pay for it, if that’s the issue” I feel like I'm about to implode "Not everything revolves around money you bastard"

His blue eyes meet my furious eyes and I stand up walking towards my front door, I open it calmly and look at him before I open my mouth again.

“Get the fuck out, don’t ever come back here, we’re done!”

Marshall stands there hands pushed deep into his hoodie pockets, his jaw ticking as he considers speaking before moving quickly past me and out into the dark evening. I slam the door so hard I think it’ll fall off its hinges and then all of the anger and adrenalin evaporates and leaves my body quickly causing me to collapse on the floor.

Tears stab at my eyes before they eventually fall and I clutch at my aching heart in my chest willing it to stop hurting so much, wishing I could rip it out. I don't want to feel this messed up any longer, I'm done with it.

Why does this keep happening, every time I begin to feel a bit better another dramatic turn arrives. Its exhausting.

Fuck him, fuck everybody. I don’t sleep that night, I toss and turn worrying about where to go from here.

The next morning in tears I phone my Doctor and make an appointment to discuss a termination. I’m going to be homeless, I can’t bring an innocent baby onto the streets with me.

When I return home after my appointment to my soon to be former apartment, I start packing up my life once more just to help distract me really from the horrible thing I’m about to do.

My mind attacks itself telling me I’m the worst human being in the world, that I don’t deserve a nice healthy baby anyway, that I’ll never have a child of my own if I do this thing.

I walk round the apartment like a zombie, Marshall and I are everywhere I turn. He told me he loved me here, the next day he broke my heart. We made this baby here and now my heartbreak would be complete, I didn’t know if I had the strength to survive any of this.

My phone rang and I had half a mind to leave it but I noticed it was Sarah calling so I picked it up
“Hey Sweetie, how ya doing?” she asks concerned for me and I don’t have an answer for that so I drop my newest bombshell on her “I’m pregnant Sarah” she sighs and I start bawling, I can’t talk to her right now and I hang up, sending her a text that I’ll call her back later.