Learning To Fly

Jaime's Emotional Day

When my heart finally stops hammering against my ribcage, I'm finally able to speak once more, I sound exhausted "You're insane if you actually think I'd let another man anywhere near me."

Marshall rolls onto his side blinking at me "I don't know where you are in your head with us and getting a phone call like that, I get......... worried" he keeps quiet about the fact he also felt possessive and jealous and sounds so sincere that I feel a bit guilty about pushing him so much now.

"You're different, harder to read than before" He tails off sadly because he knows that was his doing and I am changed a little. I no longer wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm not an open book any more but I think being with him is the cure to that, I'm just unable to let go of it right now.

"I can't just take you back like nothing happened Marshall, I'm to scared you'll hurt me again" I hate admitting that to him because I want to forget any of that other shit ever happened but I can't, every time I think I'm letting it go something reminds me of how much I was hurt and the confusion and guilt of even thinking about getting rid of Archer.

I couldn't rid myself of it and it was so frustrating, frustrating enough for me let alone a man who had very little time for being patient with anybody or anything.

It was no way to get back into a relationship carrying that kind of shit with you, I didn't want to be one of those women who takes someone back saying they are okay with everything and then just throws it back in their face at every opportunity. I wanted Marshall and I to work, so I needed to work on clearing my mind and heart of the hurt and pain.

He reaches over and pushes my hair out of my face "Hey, I understand, I don't like it but I do understand and if you just want to co parent Archie then I'll be happy to do just that with you Jaime" he kisses my forehead before sitting up.

My chest feels tight and panic swirls in my chest, it feels suddenly like he's almost giving up on me "Where are you going?" I ask loudly in the quiet room suddenly frightened that he's leaving me.

Marshall looks at me and smiles, the smile doesn't look quite right though and it doesn't reach his eyes because it's fake "Just a quick shower, I smell gross"

"Can I join you?" I ask hopefully but he shakes his head "I think maybe you were right we shouldn't be having sex, it's confusing the fuck out of me" he shakes his head vigorously as if to clear his thoughts before walking off naked to my bathroom. I never heard him sound so defeated before, tears prick at my eyes.

I never said never, I just said not right now.

Marshall appears again twenty minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist, dear god he looks fine, he smiles briefly before sitting back on my bed and sighing "Don't do that to me again, don't make me think you've found someone else. I know this is all my doing but it hurts in here to think about you moving on" his hand touches his chest above his heart and I could kick myself, I was poking fun and yeah maybe trying to make him a little jealous because I knew his reaction would be so extra, so Marshall.

"I'm sorry, it was just a bit of fun Marshall. The thought of being with anyone other than you makes me feel ill. I just want you baby, just you and I'm just asking for some time"

He lays back on the bed facing away from me and I don't know what else I can do to put his fears to rest.
No matter what he'd gotten up to in his youth I knew hands down Marshall would never cheat on me, he'd never hurt me physically either. He was a good and kind man.

I got up and headed off to have a shower myself, getting dressed after because Archer would be home fairly soon and he'd want to play on the beach. I left Marshall sleeping peacefully on my bed.