Learning To Fly

Breathe Slowly Marshall

One week in and I’m finding it hard to concentrate, I find myself sat in the studio here in New York letting my mind drift away to Jaime, it relaxes me to think about her, think about her touches which turn my mind inside out but then Paul always disturbs me and riles me up again when he moans about me not giving our newest signing my full attention and I feel bad about that, I feel bad for two reasons because he’s right and also because I fucking hate it when Paul is right.

We signed this guy because we thought he had the potential to be one of the best, one of the very best and now I was sat in a studio with him, and I would rather be some place else.
Fuck.

I apologised to him profusely and I spent the whole of the next day talking, helping and advising him the way I was supposed to, we'd gotten more work done in one day than the rest of the week so far.
It had honestly been a waste of time on my behalf up until now, the poor guy was here ready and excited for his future, planning shit and I’d given him nothing, barely a passing grunt while I sat and spun around absentmindedly in my chair those first days but now I was back, determined and focused.

I was going to make this guy the biggest deal on this planet, everyone would be talking about him and I made him that promise too. I only let myself from then on think about Jaime when I was alone back at my hotel.

Paul caught me one evening, the previous evening Jaime and I had discovered phone sex via facetime and it was the hottest shit ever and tonight Paul had caught me, walked in my room just as I came all over my belly.
“Marshall for fuck sake” he yelled walking back out of my room slamming the door behind him. I had Jaime laughing her ass off on the phone and Paul yelling at me from the other side of the door. I said a quick good night to Jaime, cleaned myself up and opened the door to him again “quit yelling Dad, the whole fucking place will know I just nutted in a minute, get your big ass in here” I slam the door again after he saunters in, shaking his head at me telling having the audacity him off.

He bypasses my bed looking at it as though it might give him cooties or some shit and sits on the couch.

“What can I do for you big guy?” he rolls his eyes at me “Came to check up on you, you were all about work today for a change!”

Ha! He’s really come to see why I’ve pulled my finger out of my ass when it comes to the new guy “I wasn’t giving him the attention I should be, you were right” he looks somewhat victorious.
“Bet that hurt to admit that” I shrug my shoulders not wanting him to have the upper hand over me.

“Marshall I wanted to speak to you about the teacher” I feel myself hardening defensively against him, protective of her even though I don’t know what he’s going to say yet “What about her? She has a name which I believe you are aware of” he nods, my tone of voice telling him I won’t take any shit about her.
“Have you thought about what happens to her when this goes public?” oh fuck he’s been digging, I just know it, he’s being all lawyery now.
“If it goes public” I counter, ignoring the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“When Marshall, you two have been pretty lucky up till now, but it only takes one person and it’ll be chaos” I've just noticed he’s really fucking solemn as a lawyer.

“The school has this crazy no fraternization policy, I’m worried about them finding out” he bites his lip when I tell him that “You in love with this woman?” its the first time anyone’s asked me out loud about love but strangely I don’t find it hard to answer him

“I know the answer to that Paul but I think I need to say what I have to say to her first, I owe Jaime that. She’s been so good and patient with me. She should hear first” he smiles reading between the lines of what I’m saying.

“How confident are you if it comes down between you or her career that she’ll choose you” I don’t ever want it to come to that but I know Jaime is a fighter, she’d come out swinging for us I knew that for sure.
“I don’t want to think about that Paul, I know she would choose me but I wouldn’t ask her to make the choice, I’d end it before it got to that stage” and I would because if she had to make that decision and she chose me I’d always live in fear of her realising she’d made the biggest mistake, I couldn't live with her regrets even if she said she could.
I’d rip my heart in two to protect the career she loves so much.

Paul is a complete fucking fun sponge, I was happy getting off over the phone and now he’s come in and ruined my buzz. The fucker.

“I’d love to meet Jaime, she sounds like quite the woman. She seems to handle you and your bitch tits with good grace” I snort at him “She’d run fucking rings around you Paul, that’s for sure and she’s not best pleased with you for dragging me away from her for three weeks, I can tell you that much” he gets up and heads towards the door, turning back to me and giving me the middle fingered salute “Fuck you asshole” I reply to him.
Man deserves a pay rise but he’s richer than me so he can take a long walk off a short fucking cliff if he thinks he’s getting any more from me.

....................

“Hey Marshall, are you OK?” and there she is the calm to my storm “Yeah Angel just needed to speak to you, I had Paul bothering me about how you’d deal with this if it went public, I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I just needed to hear your voice, I’m feeling much better already” I ramble on aimlessly and she doesn’t stop me, only speaking when I finally stop.

“Does Paul not like me?” she asks so quietly I can barely make out the words but I don’t like that she thinks that way  “Angel no, it’s not like that. I honestly think he’s trying to look out for you and maybe me but you more than me. He doesn’t know you but he did say he wants to meet you which got me thinking” the line goes quiet before she puffs out a loud breath “Uh oh that’s fucking dangerous” she laughs at her own joke and I roll my eyes which of course she can’t see down the phone.

“Jaime! I was thinking I want you to meet my daughters when I get back, they should meet you before Paul I think. I know you know Whit but I was thinking dinner at mine and meet them, what do you think?”

Silence again, I’m getting tired of hiding away and I know Whitney already likes her as her teacher “You really want me too?” her voice is small and shy “Yes, let’s just start with people we know would be OK with it” I feel much happier now that it's out in the open.
“OK, I'd really like that, thank you. Oh Kim phoned the school about rescheduling your review about Whitney, when do you want me to do it?” fucking Kim scuppering my plans as per usual. “Make it for three days after I’m back and then the night after we’ll do dinner with the girls” Jaime agrees with me and we say goodnight. I stop worrying about her job for the night and fall asleep soundly dreaming of all of my girls getting on like a house on fire.

“Got some news that’s gonna make you happy Em” Paul States smiling smugly at me a few days later, stopping I look up from my notepad and glare at him, almost two weeks with him, this is what I imagine horrible family holidays are like.

“Cheer up Em, we’re leaving here today instead of tomorrow, LA and Dre for 4 days and then you can go home to your hot teacher. I shaved you four days off this trip. You owe me buddy!” smug bastard.
I can’t help but smile at him though, we’re pretty set here I'll come back for the odd day or so and check how the album is coming along but we’ve certainly made up for lost time.

I can’t wait to tell Jaime once Paul leaves the room I put my phone on speaker and call her, excitedly tapping my feet under the desk, I grow impatient when she doesn’t answer the phone and hang up and try again, she still doesn’t answer and I realise it’s Friday she’s probably teaching. I’m still excited to call her again in an hour. I head back to the car to go back to the hotel and shove all my shit in my suitcase, try calling Jaime three more times and still no answer, I pace the floor trying to think of another way to contact her but I don’t have another way, I can’t exactly ring the school and ask. Maybe I could phone Whitney, see if she went to school today but that’d just be silly and I’d have even more explaining to do when they meet Friday.

An hour later I’m boarding the jet and still no reply. I feel sick with worry that something might have happened to her, my heart pounds in my chest and I’m agitated every time someone talks to me I snap at them.

What if she’s hurt? Or worse what if she doesn’t want anything more to do with me?

I sit and try to slow my breathing down, I can’t turn my thoughts off because I can’t see or hear her but I concentrate on breathing in and out slowly, trying to stop my pulse from racing it feels like it’s going to burst through my veins any second.

Paul keeps shooting worried looks in my direction, I can’t sit still and I’m virtually a prisoner of panic until this jet touches down in three hours time. I’ve never wanted a sleeping pill so much in a long while. I’m behaving like an addict on withdrawal, sweating, pulse racing, legs tapping quickly, agitated and I can’t fucking keep still.

In the end I take myself off to the back of the jet and sneakily try to call Jaime, straight to voicemail. I feel like crying, if anything’s happened to her no one knows about me so I’ll never know, never be able to see her and comfort her.

I’m a mess and there's really on one person who can help right now, I take myself back up to Paul “Hey Paul” I say softly not wanting to betray the way I feel right now and for sure he’d know from my voice, he sits up closing his laptop “What’s wrong Marshall?” his voice is sympathetic and I nearly break “I’ve been trying to call Jaime since you said about leaving and it just keeps going to voicemail, I’m worried about her”

Paul gets up and pushes me down into the seat opposite him “I can see you’re panicking, let’s just think about this logically” His voice soothes my nerves because as much stick as I give him, I know when Paul is on something for me, he won't stop till he gets it done.

“So maybe her battery died and her phones in her bag, she’ll probably get it out soon and be wondering why she hasn’t heard from you, I bet that’s it Em”  my head nods vigorously “Yeah that’s it, I’m gonna give her an hour and try to concentrate on something”
“OK just sit there Marshall, drink some water and breathe slowly” he watches me carefully for the rest of the flight. I called her a few more times when we finally landed but still the same, nothing.

“Paul get me to the hotel please, I’m going to freak out” my voice comes out ragged and I clutch at my throat it feels like it's closing in on me. He tells the driver to put his foot down, last thing any of us needs is me breaking down in public.

Please god let Jaime be OK, I didn't get to tell her yet!