Learning To Fly

Phoenix Rising

Summer 2018

I’m just over two years post Marshall and I’m doing pretty much what I do every morning these days, sitting on the beach in Hawaii counting every single one of my blessings.

I had thought going to live and work in Michigan had been my calling in life if you like but now I realise it had just been a stepping stone. I was meant to fail there in order to end up where I was today. 
When Marshall had asked me that day about my tattoo and if I’d ever fallen, I didn’t answer him, mostly to maintain an air of mystery but also a little bit because I thought I’d hit rock bottom when Joe and I split and I lost the baby but now I knew for sure I hadn’t fallen then, I’d coasted along the same way I always had in times of trauma.

But I fell in Michigan, fell in love and hit rock bottom with an almighty thud.

I’d been so busy with the new surf school and other things that I had barely given Marshall a thought.

That was a lie I’d liked to tell myself to this day because I had thought about him, in fact I could still count down to the last minute the last time that I had seen him.
Sarah would be furious with me if she knew that, she hated Marshall and his name was like Voldemorte between the three of us which was a shame because over the past year I’d felt if I could have spoken about him and gotten stuff off of my chest then I could have begun leaving thoughts of him in the past, both Sarah and Jack had shut me down before I could even attempt it.

Jack was just angry with him for upsetting me, the baby situation  and that Sarah had been so upset by him too because as she liked to remind me from time to time she’d fallen for his lies that he’d loved me too.

There was radio silence from his end, I'd seen to that but Sarah had said she’d read he was back working in the studio and planning on releasing a new album, this I did not relish the prospect of, he’d be out promoting it and I’d see him everywhere. Looks as though Marshall’s life just got to continue on in the same way, no changes for him. I couldn’t be bitter though I was happy, more happy then I thought I had any right to be. My whole life stretched out before me and I had fallen in love with this island and my new home.
I took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee and smile as I watch carefully over the best thing to ever happen to me, his pudgy little arms and legs landing with a smack on my surfboard as he tries to copy my movements, he is my whole heart, without Archer I really don’t know where I’d be right now.

I giggle as he lays on his cute little belly and tries to paddle through the sand to the waters edge, its in vain though as he struggles and then eventually gives up rolling off the board onto the sand. His impatience with things in life inherited from his father I guess “Mamma” he repeats over and over, holding his arms up until I scoot my butt over and pick him up, inhaling his sweet baby scent. He wraps his legs around my waist as best he can before folding his arms around my neck, fingers making curls with my hair as he soothes himself.

It punches me in the gut to think I almost went through with a termination, this little life in my arms, my bundle of raw energy, he’s an individual already.
Archie possesses a spirit so free I’m envious of it and his innocence.
My boy is untamed, he’s wild at heart and I’m thrilled that he gets to grow in this beautiful paradise and I’m thrilled he chose me to be his Mom. He has dark unruly hair, prone to curling like mine when it’s wet and his skin despite me practically bathing him in factor 50 lotion everyday, is tanned deeply the same as mine. He’s perfect and I didn’t know it was possible to love someone so fiercely, it was a beautiful but overwhelming feeling.

He’s a kind hearted boy, plays with anyone, slightly sketchy about letting anyone near his favorite toy dinosaur but happily sharing his other toys, Marshall always had a big heart too except towards the end. I used to find his possessive streak hot.

Thinking back to arriving at the clinic that day was my biggest regret and how close I came to going through with it, killing Archie. They’d given me a sedative to try and calm me down after I’d realised it wasn’t what I wanted and I wasn’t going to go through with it. I screamed for Jack, thankful that he was sat outside there waiting for me. I’d tried to fight off the sedation and everyone in the clinic, I was sore all over from this out of nowhere powerful urge to suddenly fight for my baby. Jack picked me up after they’d finally calmed me down and walked out of the clinic carrying me in his arms. He’d driven off speedily back home, I wondered if he thought I’d change my mind again but there was no chance of that and to Sarah who cried with relief that I’d finally come to my senses.
Plans were made that day to move on with our new lives, there was no secret ‘let’s hide the baby from Marshall’ discussions, I wanted him to know but I also wanted a fresh start far away from this place and far from him.

I didn’t feel any guilt that Marshall was unaware of Archie’s existence to this day, he wanted him gone and as far as he was aware that’s exactly what had happened.

When I’d first left Detroit Marshall would call me regularly, I never answered his calls once until the day I planted my swollen pregnant feet in the sandy beach of Kauai in Hawaii for the first time and I only spoke then to tell him that the baby was gone and hung up on him.
When he still kept calling weeks later I changed my number in the end, how was I supposed to get over him when he kept trying to talk to me.

Thoughts of past mistakes behind me, I’d helped Sarah and Jack turn their surf business into a thriving success, we had the monopoly on training on this island and we all made a comfortable living from it.
“Hey baby boy, surf with mamma?” I ask him softly, anticipating the squeal of excitement I knew was coming, he did it in my ear nearly deafening me “ mamma urf” he sat forward on my legs clapping his chubby little hands together, before giggling and jumping up and down. His blue eyes twinkled at me and I lost my train of thought for a second as his face was replaced by his father’s, his eyes twinkling cheekily at me, I closed my eyes and blinked him away, standing up, picking my board up and then Jacob up balancing him on my hip “Let’s go buddy” he yells again “urf, urf”

“Hey, I thought we were going shopping?” Sarah yells from behind me, I completely forgot, content just to spend time with Archie. “Shit I forgot” I try to look apologetic and fail.

She takes Archer from my arms and scowls at me “don’t be teaching my nephew naughty words” she kisses him and he makes a face trying to wriggle out of her arms “quit wriggling Archer”  she places him back on the ground, he plops his little butt back down in the sand and tries to eat it, I pick him up quickly before he’s sick “come on baby, let’s go get changed, surf later.”