Learning To Fly

Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole

I’ve never felt the way I felt these past few days before, I spent the whole weekend sat in the grass by the edge of Lake St Clair wondering how such a beautiful place led to such an ugly few days.
He was right of course I was a slut and if I’d admitted it to myself I had tried to make him want me as we’d left the restaurant that night and I did have sex with him, here in the dirt like the slut that I clearly was.

Thoughts swirl around in my mind, never ending and all painful. Every time there was silence was the worst time or lying in bed trying to sleep, drowning in unkind thoughts and darkness. I was tired of thinking about the why’s and his lies? I didn’t understand it and I wasn’t about to call him up and ask him why. What little shred of dignity I had remaining I was desperate to keep a firm grip on.

I’d already called in sick for school twice this week and I did the exact same this morning, on the way to work ironically I’m not sure what I’m doing today but I know I’m not in any kind of mood to teach kids, which to me meant further sadness the fact that I felt like I had failed at my whole reason for even moving here. Fell in love with an emotionally unavailable man, made all kinds of silly plans and dreams that were never going to happen and I didn’t have a clue how to get back to the person I was before Marshall arrived in my life. He was a great actor that’s for sure because he had me believing every word that came out of his mouth, I believed he loved me and now I didn’t even know who he was.
Directionless I sit in my car trying to figure out where it had all gone wrong and how very stupid I had been over this.
Falling for a man incapable of feeling no emotion whatsoever seemed like a good place to start.

My phone beeped indicating I’d received a message disturbing me from my one woman pity party.
It was from Sarah, she’d been calling me everyday since Friday night trying to find out how dinner with the girls had gone but I had no appetite to get into this with her, Sarah and Jack were the closest thing I had to family but I felt like I’d let myself down and I wasn’t about to tell her what had happened, not just yet anyway. I silenced my phone and scratched at my wrist where my bracelet had been. I felt the ghost of it scratching lightly against my skin.
I couldn’t get over the fact that he’d just taken it, the look on his face had been one of shock that he’d broken it, I didn’t for one second think he’d meant to do that but I suppose something inside took over him when he scooped it up and pocketed it. Just couldn’t believe it still.

I had always thought I’d be the type of woman who wouldn’t mope about after a man but now I knew that wasn’t true, I wanted to go get in my bed and stay there forever or at least until I no longer felt like something was broken inside of me, that a limb hadn’t been ripped off and that the man I love hadn’t deliberately set out to break me into a million pieces.

If I gave in and went to bed, I’d give up completely. I’m not even sure if I’d ever get up again.

Marshall had been right to keep me away from his home, he had somewhere to go where there was no memory of us, no stray hairs left on a pillow, nothing that smelled like him and no dirty laundry of mine, I kept finding his in my laundry basket so I’d given up doing laundry.
I’d found some short dark hairs on his pillow so I’d thrown it away and washed and scrubbed my bedroom till there was no scent of Marshall Mather’s left at all, what I wouldn’t give for a second home to run away too.

I had no appetite for food but one hell of an appetite for white wine which I had been consuming at an alarming rate until I had realised it wasn’t helping, just making things feel a hell of a lot worse, waking up after an hours fitful sleep with a fuzzy head and feeling nauseous wasn’t all that great and besides I really didn’t have the energy to go out to the store and buy any more wine.
I had brushed my hair for the first time this morning and it had left me exhausted, once I got home from my aborted attempt at heading into work I’d sat on the couch and fallen asleep.

Later that day my phone rang, yet again it was Sarah, if I didn’t answer soon she’d just appear and I couldn’t deal with her fussing over me and saying mean things about Marshall even if he did deserve it and more.  So now was the time to put on a brave face and answer her.