Simon's P.O.V.
Vikk didn't tell us about the first time he attempted suicide, at least not until he ended up in hospital on the verge of death after the second, almost successful, attempt. His voice was hoarse, raspy as he whispered out the horrifying story of a desperate teenager who felt he had no one to turn to, and how nothing had changed in years. Because that was how he ended up here- feeling so alone and so desperate he had attempted to end it all.
I had been the one to find him, knocking on his door one morning and asking if he wanted coffee because I hadn't seen him since the evening before, and there was no reply. I knocked again. Still no reply. Slowly, because I was beginning to get worried now, I pushed open the door- and screamed.
Vikk was lying on his bed, still and completely lifeless. His lips were tinged blue, as were his fingers, and the rattling of his chest was almost non-existent. Josh and JJ rushed in behind me and both gasped, Josh jumping in to roll him onto his side while JJ called 999. I stood frozen, scared and shocked, unable to do anything to help.
"SIMON!" Josh yelled, shaking my shoulders. "HELP ME!"
That fortunately snapped me out of it and I rushed to Vikk's side, helping Josh try to stir him as JJ continued to speak on the phone. His breathing was laboured, painfully shallow and I knew it could stop at any moment-
"What did he do!" JJ gasped. "Did he- he take something?"
I glanced around and my heart almost stopped when I saw the pill bottle, empty save for one or two pills, strewn on the floor. The bottle said OxyContin and just beside it lay an empty bottle of whisky- fuck, fuck, fuck, he had overdosed! I said as much to JJ, who relayed the information to the operator on the other end of the line. Vikk was dying in front of me and there was nothing I could do.
I sobbed the whole ride to the hospital, not knowing if Vikk was going to make it.
He did make it, after being intubated, having his stomach pumped and IV's in his arms giving dose after dose of medication, what exactly I didn't know. It was painful watching him lie there in the ICU, drifting in and out consciousness for days and for almost 24 hours it was really touch and go on whether or not he was going to pull through. The Sidemen gathered, a doctor asked if Vikk was religious so someone could administer last rites, and we prayed. We sat by his bedside, all six of us, and hoped he would pull through.
It took a week before they finally took him off intubation, allowing him to breathe on his own. His eyes opened for the first time three days after that, caramel brown eyes staring up at us with such fear and shame and terror that I cried all over again. This time it was Tobi who comforted me, other arm around Harry who was absolutely distraught at the knowledge that Vikk was lying there, feeling guilty about the fact he failed. He had wanted to die, and he had failed.
Another week was what it took to get him eating and drinking again, they almost forced him to have an NG tube- a feeding tube- and I think that was what got him. He just wanted to go home. I knew he did, because he only asked about when he could. He didn't talk to the doctor, or the therapist, or the physiatrist, or us. He just asked when he could go home. And I wanted to bring him home, I did, but I knew that right then, this was the best place for him as there were people who could help him better than we could.
Ethan leaned heavily on my shoulder, his eyes flickering as we both watching Vikk. He wasn't sleeping even though he looked like he was but we both knew he was faking. My other arm was secured around Harry, who was leaning against me with his phone in hand, scrolling mindlessly through Twitter. No one had updated our fans of the situation and none of us had uploaded in two and a half weeks so they were all freaking out to say the least.
Josh, JJ and Tobi had all gone home to rest, leaving us three to stay the night with Vikk. It was quiet other than the heartrate monitor. Nudging the two boys with me into the bed set up in the room I tucked them in like children, too wound up and upset to sleep myself.
After a few minutes Vikk rolled over in his bed, staring at me with wide eyes in the dark. I looked away. I couldn't look at him in the eyes- it upset me too much. He sniffled, rolling back over.
"Vikk?" I whispered into the silent room, and he turned back. He blinked at me. "Are you okay?"
"What do you think?" He almost spat, glaring. "I just tried to kill myself Simon, and you asking if I'm okay!?"
I went pale- Jesus Christ I really had said the wrong thing. What was I thinking! Is he okay? Of course he wasn't.
"I- I said the wrong thing- I shouldn't have said that."
He stared at me, eyes sad and scared. God, that really was the wrong thing to say.
------------------------------------------
He was released after a month. An entire month in the hospital, one week spent in practically a coma, three more attempting to get him to eat, talk to the therapists and get him mentally evaluated. We were scared. We didn't want to leave him alone because we feared that if we did he would try again, and succeed this time. But we had to, because he would slip away any moment he could to spend some time alone. In those times he never attempted, he just wanted to be alone.
It really did bring us closer together though. After Vikk's attempt we all sort of moved into the Sidemen house, caring for each other in a time of uncertainty and fear. The six of us become much closer than we had been before and Vikk slotted in the middle of us, desperately needing comfort but refusing it because he didn't want to seem weak. Neither I nor any of the others saw him as weak. He had been desperate, confused and scared and he thought his only option was end it. He was not weak, and we tried to show him that.
Josh secured his arms around the younger boy, who was half asleep on his shoulder. All of us were lying in the living room on various couches and beanbags, half watching a movie. Everything had kind of settled now, Vikk had been home for three months, and we had fallen into a regular routine. He was seeing a therapist, he had anti-depressants and anxiety medication and he genuinely seemed happier. Everything kind of came out after he confessed that it wasn't his first time attempting and we finally got him the help he needed. Once he finally realised we didn't think any less of him because of it, we cared about him and wanted to help, he opened up more and slotted right into that space. Everyone was happy, content, and I could honestly say it was okay now.
I very gently moved myself so Harry wasn't lying on top of me. My legs had been getting numb. Beside me, Ethan and Tobi moved a bit so I could do so. JJ was lying on the other side of Josh and Vikk, one leg thrown over those of the older, hand clutched tight in Vikk's grip. There was an easy smile on his face. It was much easier to be happy when we knew that everything was okay.
Just as the credits of the movie rolled to a close I heard Josh's quiet whisper-
"We love you Vikk." He whispered, gently pushing some hair off his forehead. Vikk smiled. "So, so much. We'll always love you. Remember that."
