Wednesday, April 15, 2020
So I live in the USA.
Which basically means I'm almost guaranteed to be depressed and have had a school shooting in my school district (not my school, but a school in the same freaking town).
And now the guy in charge of my messed up country has stopped funds to the World Health Organization. During a pandemic. When the USA is the top country for deaths via Clovis-19.
Isn't that nice?
I'm trapped in a house with my family, for at least this month if not May, struggling to keep my head above the water. When I get out of this, I'll be forced to face a very uncertain future with the knowledge that I still have to get a job, balance my ridiculous amount of schoolwork, join at least one or two clubs, and deal with unknown mental health issues. And now, to add to that, this could last longer due to my country's stupid ignorant president defunding an organization working to contain Covid-19.
I don't have enough will to live for this.
I don't have enough microscopic shreds of sanity for this.
It's just too much.
Here have too much work to get done. Oh you want to not feel judged every time you walk out of your room? TOO BAD. Here, have some more bad news that you can't escape!! Here, have an uncertain future no one will help you with! You want to actually have a will to do well in your classes? Hahaha, who do you think you are to ask for that?! Here, have a crisis every other day about how you're not good enough! You know what? Add in an almost bipolar will to get things done. Wait wait, we can do better. Also add in random bursts of anxiety and out-of-body experiences when you wake and don't feel all there. Oh oh, also also add in a heap of feeling dead inside instead of refreshed after sleeping.
In theory quarantine sounds good: stay inside your home and don't interact with humans face to face. Okay, not the best but not bad!
Reality: stay inside for months with too much homework and your family you never realized you felt so out of place with, while feeling too scared to talk to your friends because you don't know how to talk people and are too nervous to reach out because what if they don't want to talk to you?
Sorry, I'm taking the 5th week of quarantine hard. If I could shut everything down and escape I would, but the only way to do that is to die and I'm not going there. I promised myself I wouldn't go there and I'm sticking to that. Plus my dad and mom would look down on me for taking the lazy way out and if I'm living for anything it's spite and pettiness.
Hope y'all are doing better than me. Stay safe, stay away from the razors, please know that this will pass over and we'll get out of this.
All my love!! <3<3<3
~Ink
