Monday, June 22, 2020
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Pride Day 22: something you regret
a lot
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My hand feels a lot better! Not perfect, but hey it's better than yesterday.
Remember when you were young, say six, seven years old?
You got up early a lot, didn't you? You loved watching the sunrise, couldn't understand why people would be sleeping.
You are so happy, so cheerful. You saw the good in the world and couldn't imagine any evil in the world, besides in your fairy tales, but in those the hero saved everyone so really, there's no evil!
If someone told you something, you'd believe them, unless it defied your world views at the time. Say, someone told you unicorns were dead, but in your mind they were alive, so you said "nope, they're real!".
You had no idea what the president stands for and it doesn't concern you because he doesn't shows up in your life.
And now, look at it.
You're however old you are.
You sleep in as much as you can eek out of your insomnia-ridden body, not much. Maybe four, five hours? If that?
You're faking your happiness. Everywhere you look is a new evil, a new thing going wrong, a new affect from an evil that the politicians deny.
You don't know what to believe because you're trying to relearn and form your morals from the stuff endocrined into you while also keeping on top of everything going on.
You know who the president, what he stands for or more importantly what he doesn't stand for, and you stare at politics in despair because you just want someone who stands for your beliefs and you know won't be revealed to be two-faced.
Why was it so much easier back then? Why do I feel like an adult who has no idea what to do and has no ability to do anything? Why do I long for a childhood I idealize? Why do I escape into fantasies and other worlds because if I don't I'll be crushed with regret and helplessness and sorrow and a thousand other emotions I have no hope of expressing outside of a written world that I can pass off as acting instead of fueling my emotions into it. Why do I rely on other worlds to keep me sane when I know it's because they'll never betray me, but I'm not exactly questioning why I rely on them, but why I feel that I have to rely on them.
I just want to be able to feel safe, to live a life where I'm not living more than half of my life in the dream and fandom, to be healthy and feel healthy, to be comfortable in my skin and comfortable in my life, to not second guess everything action and thought I make.
I want to have an idealistic world I can actually live in, where I can survive by doing what I love, feel comfortable being myself without fear of hatred, and where everyone in my community that's more of a family at this point can do the exact same thing.
But that's just a fantasy, isn't it? Hoping, dreaming to be in a safe world for everyone. No more starvation, no more poor, no more elite, no more murders, no more distrust, no more uncertainty in just being able to live.
It's fantasy, and I hope someday I'll be able to live it, alive... or dead.
Stay safe kiddos, my pms are always open for anyone. Advice, a listening ear, someone to comfort and support, just someone to chat with. I'm okay with being whatever you need me to be.
I love each and tier one of you <3<3<3<3
~Ink
