Thursday, July 23, 2020
~~~
You know, when I managed to meet all my writing deadlines, I was flying high. I made sure I had water, I relaxed my shoulders for once, I was feeling good.
I had been in a writer's block ever since Monday but you know what? I got through that. My Avengers fic on Ao3? Over 2,000 words down in half a morning on Tuesday. My other fic on Ao3? Formatted by Tuesday night, finished by Wednesday. My Sanders Sides on here? Finished the 1,000 words this morning. My on-purpose badly written chapter for my friends' zoom call on Saturday? Written with over 900 words by 3pm today. I was feeling amazing.
And
Then
It
All
Came
Tumbling,
Brick
By
Brick,
Crashing
Down.
"Picnic for lunch and then a hike!" they reminded me.
"Mow the lawn!" They remind me.
"Run the dishwasher!" They remind me.
"We're out of clean knives!" They remind me.
"Litter box!" They remind me.
My afternoon doesn't belong to me tomorrow, that's why I was so stressed over deadlines this week.
It's hot outside and it takes me an hour to mow the law because the stupid lawn is too big and full of things that make it difficult.
A full dishwasher and guess who gets to empty and fill it because their sister never does the chores?
I wonder who's the one who'll be up to her elbows in soapy water doing the hand washables again this week?
I don't mind doing the litter box, except I have so much to do before 12 o'clock and I need a shower and I wanted to do some personal writing that I don't need to update for my readers.
So let's see.
Wake up at 7:30am not feeling like I got any energy from that, go through my notifications.
8:00am and now it's time to throw some old clothes on and maybe a couple bobby-pins, have a vitamin and maybe a little something to eat.
8:10am time for the cat litter and toss out recycling. Also stick my comforter into the wash, it needs it and I need it's weight even if it suffocates me with heat.
8:20-8:30am apply some sunscreen, slap a hat on and some earbuds, mow for an hour.
9:30am shower.
10:00am dishwasher, hand washables, clean counters? Take comforter out of wash and pop into dryer.
10:40am collapse in bed and check notifications.
11:00am free time? Do whatever my mom texts me about because I know she'll have something to add on to me? Stay in the silence because I'm not getting any once my mom pulls us off to some park to eat and then walk around? Take comforter out of dryer and put on bed.
????pm collapse in bed and avoid human interaction because my social battery is dead.
Somewhere in there I'll fit it "cry or scream into a pillow because I need to let out something before I break".
Yeah I'm not feeling too good right now.
I would give almost anything to get an actual, physical hug from someone I knew cared about me and I care about them.
And don't tell me to hug myself because I've tried and it doesn't work.
I just need someone to hold me so I can fall apart. I need someone I can scream and cry to and they'll listen and they'll care and they'll help me piece myself because I can't break down where I am right now, it's not safe it's not a good place to break down because to them it's nothing I'd be breaking down over nothing but you, and my other friends who know at least partly what I'm going through, know because you're there and you listen. And I'm not afraid to be open because I know you'll accept me but my 'family' has taken away the things I love before and I can't let them take this away from me when it's one of the only things keeping me together through this whole thing of quarantine and honestly everything else.
I've rebuilt myself through this, I've regained a part of me that had been forcibly cut out of my life, I've grown and I'm trying to get better but I need to have people I can interact that in a thousand different small ways make me want to exist, make me want to be better, make me want to love myself want to take care of myself want to be who I want to be.
I don't know what half of this is, a cry for help or a revelation or what, but I'm done throwing words.
Stay safe kiddos, make sure to take any meds you need to take on time!
I love you all <3<3<3<3
~Ink
