Monday, April 27, 2020
Apparently to get the bar to appear so I can change the side text appears to is by misspelling you're. I don't get it either.
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Dedicated to @KermitOnABreadstick (I hope it shows up this time, it's being really fickle)
You inspired this one kiddo <3
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Repressing.
I do it, have done it since before I even knew what I was doing.
Why? You may ask. Ink, how do you know you repressed back when you were only a first grader?
Well dear readers, I'll tell you. It's because of this lovely thing called:
👐✨✨🌈"societal pressures".🌈✨✨👐
See, society isn't just the global community, or the stereotype of the average person, or the people of your country, it's also the people of your family, your friends, the school you go to, the community you're brought up in.
I, as previously stated multiple times, was raised in a Catholic/Christian household and went to a school of the same religion. Now, this shouldn't be an issue. Yes it was a religious school, yes my mom is religious, but that shouldn't mean anything. However, due to reasons known only to my young six or seven year old self, I started to repress my thoughts and doubts over certain topics.
Examples, you ask?
1) do I really want to get married?
2) is there really a god?
3) do I believe in a god?
4) why am I so nervous around people?
5) why do I feel like I don't belong?
Of course nowadays I have some answers to those.
1) no not really.
2) I have no clue, but neither does anyone else.
3) no. Unless it's the ancient gods of old, but even then it's more of a "they may exist but I ain't bowing to them" belief.
4) anxiety but I'm not diagnosed or anything, it's just guesswork.
5) because those people aren't my people. Also see 4)
Anyways, it's grown since then.
Repress my urges to scream at people, repress my will to argue, repress my desire to defend my people. Restrain myself from saying too much, restrain from dropping hints, restrain from letting it slip that I'm not okay.
Yes I'm happy, no I'm not crying myself to sleep.
Yes I'm getting sleep, no I'm not losing myself to magical worlds where I'm anything but me.
Yes I'm Catholic, no I'm not atheist.
Yes I'm fine, no I'm not locking everything inside myself.
Yes I'm here, no I'm not writing worlds inside my mind to escape.
But that's never going to make me happy. Repressing will never make me feel any differently. Restraining myself from things I love will never be freedom. Lying will never allow me to feel like myself.
But I can't be myself yet. If I did, it'd all be taken away from me. My accounts, my fics, my fandoms, my ships, my friends, my life, the me I truly am. Everything I've found and everything I've rediscovered, I can't let them take it from me again. Never again.
But I can't keep up this lifestyle. I have to take breaks, I have to let myself f e e l again. I have to fight when I want to, I have to be honest. I can't be myself fully, but by gods I will start to undo the damage I've inflicted on myself.
I will stop repressing everything I feel.
I will stop restraining myself from all of my passions.
I will stop lying about myself all the time.
I may not stop completely, but I will do better. Because, though I can't believe these words yet, I deserve to be myself without apologizing for everything I do and am.
Stay safe kiddos. If you need to hide a body, I can and will help.
Platonic love <3<3<3
~Ink
