Wednesday, July 22, 2020
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When I'm feeling extreme amounts of an emotion, I'll write or daydream up a scene and let out that emotion.
Is it healthy?
No knows.
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They say what you write often is what you subconsciously wants/hopes for.
I often write characters going through terrible things and then being saved by someone who treats them well and understands them. I also write people burning down the world/torturing others that have wronged them.
So obviously I subconsciously hope for someone to help me out of my life and accept all aspects of myself while helping me build a new life. Or I want to watch the world burn/hurt others for the harm they've done to others.
Not gonna lie that sounds like me.
Oh also I've realized that I often feel like I have so little control over my life that I purposely control certain things to give me that sense of control I don't feel I have over my life.
For example: not eating breakfast in the morning, keeping my room super cold compared to the rest of the house, ignoring my body's signs that I need to drink more water until my skin is literally cracking, controlling my sleep schedule, and writing.
With writing you are the god, you are the one with the final say. You know what's going to happen, you decide what horrors a character is put through. You choose the words that will hurt the most, you torture an innocent character until they are nothing but a shivering terrified shell of a human being. You give a character a crumb of happiness then snuff it out like a candle, you hold the power over who lives and who dies. You are the god in a sandbox, you build and destroy as you please. Everyone in the story is a puppet with their strings tied to your fingers, they bow to your whims. They all bow to your whims.
And I never claimed any of it to be healthy because it's not, withholding things from myself is terrible and I need to take care of myself better, and playing god.... well some days it's not like that, and others..... others I scare myself with what I dream up, what I'm compelled to do.
No one should have to urge to break someone, to hold that fire inside of someone and suffocate it until it's nothing, until it's gone, until you're killed every once of resistance in a person and left them an empty shell.
But oh, the power I feel in my skin when he burns down the world, the sweet song of screams I hear when she sends them to hell, the smirk I feel grow when they radiate that aura of ultimate power, power ever a mere human can feel through their very being. It's addicting, and some days I can't help but dive into it, let it settle under my skin like it's always been there, let it course through my veins and light up my brain with terrible, cruel thoughts that I can't help but love.
And then I snap out of it.
And it all falls away.
And I stare at my hands in horror, at the thoughts that were unleashed with just some simple words, typed up with these soft padded fingers and long nails, these harmless digits that could unleash the darkness with just a simple scene.
Humanity is both light and dark and grey.
We are always grey, but we touch the light and the dark at times.
And I have looked my darkness in the face and reached out for it.
Stay safe kiddos and make sure to eat at least something okay?
All my love <3<3<3
~Ink
