Tuesday, May 5, 2020
Privacy.
It's something we all want to some extent. But I'm will to bet that there are people who either ignore/have ignored your privacy at some point or pretend/have pretended that it exists but in reality doesn't.
Here's my personal story of privacy and trust violations that have really changed the way I live:
I had never had a electronic device for myself before, nor had I ever had the ability to go on the computer before hand.
My parents kept me and my sibling pretty sheltered, we weren't allowed to watch the live action Disney Kid TV shows for crying out loud! So I'd never used or seen YouTube or the internet too much outside of limited and monitored school moments.
But then, I entered middle school. And suddenly, I needed to use the computer to access my school email and teachers' websites and other stuff. So, my parents created an account on the family computer for me and gave me my password and bang! I had unregulated access to the world web for the first time in my life.
At first, I stuck to strictly school stuff. Then, I started branching out, using YouTube to listen to music without the use of CDs or downloaded files in the car, also for the first time in my life. Then who used to be my best friend told me about this thing, this website, called Wattpad.
Yeah, don't get cocky, this isn't how I started this account. That scene doesn't happen until years down the road, after this mess blew up and I learned a lot about people and myself. Also known as, how I gained a dark-ish backstory.
ANYWAY, I was, what, eleven? Yeah, I think it was eleven. I was eleven years old and this sounded awesome! A website where I can read people's stories? And comment and vote? Woah!!
Yeah, I sure was innocent back then. And kinda gullible. And very very very naïve. Poor child, she had issues that just started blowing up, so she buried herself in other worlds to hide. That backfired spectacularly in this case.
So I joined Wattpad! It sounded so cool, why wouldn't I like it?
And then I got into the werewolf/vampire genre.
Before I say anymore, let me make something clear: I do not hate this genre. It's cool, they have their own rules and stuff going on, they're chill with me. But, the age I was when I got into them, the mindset I was in when I discovered them, that was not a good idea.
I got sucked in.
I read so many of them, nothing too graphic thank the gods, but enough to make more think, "yep, i'mma write me one of these bad boys".
And then I did. About my (former) best friend and her (former) crush. And our friends. And me. (hang in let me scream and throw up for a bit) (okay now I'm good)
Without giving too many details (PLEASE DON'T LOOK FOR IT I WROTE A LOT OF STUFF I'M NOT PROUD OF AND A LOT OF STUFF THAT MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR MY SKIN OFF BECAUSE OF HOW DISGUSTING IT OS AND HOW DIRTY IT MAKES ME FEEL NOW FOR HAVING WRITTEN THAT YEARS AGO), some people were werewolves and some vampires and there were stuff like death and having kids and sex and marriage and sexual assault (WHICH I HAD NO REASON OR RIGHT TO WRITE BECAUSE I KNEW NOTHING OF IT AND WAS DEEPLY DISRESPECTFUL GODS I HATE MYSELF).
Regardless, I had started to have a presence. And started waking up at 12 or 1 o'clock to write up a new chapter and then go back to bed after 2 or 3. It was unhealthy but I was hooked, I thought it was awesome and great. I think my parents started watching my search history after realizing I was on the computer a lot, don't know when exactly they started doing it.
But, they found out. And, let's just say, they weren't happy.
They claimed to have been "disappointed [I] decided to write on a website without [talking/asking permission] to us first."
All I felt was betrayed and violated.
They wanted my password into it, but I had forgotten and the school had shut down all school emails so the school email I used to create the account and log in wasn't able to let me back in. So they couldn't go into my account and delete it, but neither could I. Instead they decided to lock me out of the computer completely, only allowing me to go on it by asking them to log me in and have me stand outside of the room until they were done logging me in. That's been going on since that time, until stopping because of quarantine and my need to get on whenever and not interrupt my working mom.
Another thing they said, this one which ripped my world into shreds and destroyed my ability to trust, is that "this is a serious breach of our trust" and that "[I'm] going to have to earn it back over time" and "we don't know how we're going to be able to trust [me] again".
Yeah, let me remind you of something: I WAS FREAKING ELEVEN YEARS OLD. YOU JUST TOLD AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD THAT SHE DESTROYED YOUR TRUST AND THAT SHE'LL NEED TO EARN THAT TRUST BACK, BUT IT'S GOING TO TAKE A LOT OF TIME BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU'RE GOING TO TRUST HER AGAIN. I DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER, I WANTED FREEDOM AND I SAW MY CHANCE AND I TOOK IT AND LOOK, NOW I'VE LOST ANY TRUST I HAD OR WAS GIVEN BY MY PARENTS!! A+ job, truly inspiring.
Don't get me wrong, what I did was wrong on sooooo many levels. I should not have lost sleep for something like that, I shouldn't have written something like that, I haven't have read some of the stuff I read, and I definitely shouldn't have created an account on a site after less than a month of what was my first time using the internet outside of school.
But, I also shouldn't have felt like the only way I was going to be able to do what I wanted was to go behind my parents' back in the first place. I was eleven years old.
And long story short, I put it behind me, closed myself off from my parents because I couldn't trust them to not mettle with everything I come in contact with, and threw myself into school and also writing because hey this is actually fun! Just, not what I was writing. That was kinda weird.
Lasting affects:
• I have a really strong urge to hide everything about myself from everyone.
• I have issues trusting people with things about myself, even people who have known me for years, family not included because they just got pushed way far away from me.
• I joined a different writing platform eighth grade year and then joined Wattpad with a new and better account last year. No one I know in the real world except for like, one person, knows about even one of these accounts.
• I almost can't tell others about fandoms I get interested in because I have this insane fear that they'll try to take it away from me or strip me of my access to the online world where I can talk about them.
So yeah.
That's how I came to be an insane mess up.
Afraid of people taking away things I like.
Scared to trust.
Terrified of getting attached because it's been ripped away from me before.
That's also why I keep all my electronics in my room and charge them in my room because if I didn't then I worry my parents will go through my texts and search history like they did before, and that's private!
There's a reason I'm closeted, there's a reason I have nervous ticks and have (unconfirmed) anxiety, and there's a reason I have trouble with feelings of abandonment and being a failure. There's a reason I repress most of who I am.
Stay safe kiddos, and remember to call me up if you need help hiding a body.
I love you all unconditionally, no matter what <3<3<3<3
~Ink
