Tuesday, May 19, 2020
Hi I'm stressed, anxious, and drowning my thoughts in music!
It's called I talked to my mom about maybe seeing a therapist once and then we never brought it up again and then Covid-19 popped up and now I'm going to talk myself through my anxiety before I do something I regret, like scratching my wrists or drawing on my skin or scratching my face/neck or snap/lash out at someone or or or well I don't know but bad and definitely something I'll regret.
So yeah, coping! Venting my anxious thoughts and energy before releasing it in ways that'll come back to hurt me later tonight!
Oh yeah, I'm writing this at like, 3:53 P.M. right now. Well now it's 3:54 P.M. But you get the idea!
Anyway, let's try to get to the bottom of my worries and fears and thoughts and emotions and anxiety right now! (Am I rambling? I think I'm rambling. Well it's better than pick at my hands or scratching my arms. Sorry guys.)
Let's see, what started this?
I finished my rough draft for my English essay, so that's turned in. I finished my Spanish, 14/20, no idea why but whatever, I honestly can't care too much right now. I found out the book I had out of the school library is due but like, I can't exactly return it and they're charging me like $20 for fees or something. I WONDER WHICH ONE IT IS
And of course my mom texted me about the $20 fee which is nerve racking because does that mean she gets all my school emails or a select few or was it just this email or what?!
And of course there's the idea that I have no idea when I get to collect the stuff in my locker from the school and how I'll return the book and then there's the projects that are all being launched at me and I have a chapter I need to write that I didn't work on at all last week and a chapter for my ao3 account and the heroes short story that's going to be like, 20 pages because I have no self control that my health teacher has been monitoring because I decided it'd be a great idea to write a 10,000+ word complete story over 4 weeks and I've been lying about staying on track of my weekly goals and I never sleep until it's 12 or 1 or 2 in the morning and I wake up at 6 or 7 and of course I'm fine because I'm always fine and why wouldn't I be fine it's not like I miss not being analyzed all the time and it's not like I've been stuck in a single personality mask for going on ten weeks now and it's not like I miss coming home early and being able to watch whatever I want without worrying about people seeing and it's not like people are constantly trying to invade my personal time because I spend most of my day focused on school or eating food or spending time with the family because it's expected and then three hours or less online to write and read and answer notifications all while taking away from my sleep time and feeling like even though I "have more time" I really don't because if I actually had more time there would be no school and I'd be actually doing stuff that I want to do instead of what others want me to do.
Newsflash: if I didn't have to deal with inconsistent teachers and having to set alarms to keep me on track to go to video meetings and didn't have giant projects that are all due after a DAY OR TWO then MAYBE I'd be more EMOTIONALLY STABLE and CALM and not FREAKING OUT EVERY FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE ALL I FEEL IS NUMBNESS OR PANIC. And maybe if I didn't constantly feel like my family hates me or is poking fun at my mistakes or like anytime I show a negative emotion I'm being labeled a typical teenager but then when I don't show emotion I'm being cruel and closed off, then MAYBE I'd be more WILLING TO INTERACT.
And of course there's the whole thing where I never told my friends the day of my birthday that it was my birthday and no one said a word even though someone brought it up a week or two ago and I said that yeah, my birthday's coming up, and I know I didn't say anything because I didn't want to seem needy and didn't want a big deal but I was hoping more than one person would remember. I just, I can't help but feel disappointed but I did purposely not remind anyone and I don't want to be that one attention seeker but it does hurt. And I hate myself for being hurt because I choose to not say anything.
~
Okay so that was actually pretty therapeutic, I feel a lot less anxious!
To explain some stuff I said above, I have long nails and often, to calm myself when I can't escape, clean the undersides of my nails with my thumb nail, over and over and over again. When that doesn't do anything, I start raking my arms with my nails, leaving red marks that either disappear right away or stay for hours. If that doesn't work I move on to wringing my wrists, playing with my fingers, racking my neck and/or face with my nails, basically fidgeting with my hands.
When I said something I'd regret and included drawing on my skin, I really like to draw on myself with pen, as it calms me down pretty well. However, my mom hates whenever I do it because she thinks I'll get skin cancer or permanently dye my skin. And, in all fairness, she's right, I could, but it'd take constantly doing it daily for decades for it to actually affect me. But I only do it once every two weeks or more. She doesn't understand and I can't argue well with her on it because well, "it calms me" isn't exactly a good argument to a parent. So, no drawing on my skin unless I immediately scrub it off afterwards which I hate doing so yeah.
~10:44 P.M. kiddos~
I ah.... yeah. I had a mental breakdown. I'm feeling a lot better now, but that could be because I'm cuddled up in my comforter and aren't around people.
Anyways, um, I was going to talk about something else tonight but I guess I'm pushing that back to tomorrow because there's like, 1,160 words in this and I'm ready to sleep.
Stay safe kiddos and make sure to get at least 2 hours of sleep because I know you're not getting the recommended 9 hours but you do need some sleep.
All my love <3<3<3
~Ink
