Friday, May 15, 2020
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Don't you just love it when your family expects you to be fine in two days after a painful physical adjustment but then expect you to be super sad after hearing one of the best teachers you've ever had has died? It's like holding me to a double standard.
Yes you should be perfectly fine not even two days after you got your jaw realignment added to and your braces messed with (GOING ON FIVE FREAKING YEARS OF MY LIFE LOST TO BRACES LET'S GO) and you're still using the average pain medicine. But no, you should act more sad over hearing a teacher of yours is dead.
I'M SORRY, it's not like I never show how I feel to the point that even I don't know what I feel half the time I actual feel anything!
Course you wouldn't know that because I never say a thing because I'm too scared of being pitied and gently told I'm making things up. Like, YEAH, MAYBE I AM MAKING THINGS UP. But you telling me that means nothing. Meaningless lies that I can't fact-check.
Anyways an old teacher of mine died in hospice. He was a veteran, I can't remember what war because he never talked about it. And he wasn't actually a teacher of mine, he was technically a substitute but he was more of a guest teacher because he did teach us stuff and was really nice. And while I have very mixed feelings about my time at my old school and some regret/anxiety inducing memories, I will forever remember the man who had us read through different plays that where fun to read but turned out it have messages behind them when I look back, taught us about the social structure of middle school using a metaphor of a fish bowl, and once taught us in math class how the Great Depression was created. I'll miss you, the teacher who slapped a yardstick on desks and nearly took out my head one time.
Also yeah I still have braces, my jaw has to be brought forward which basically means on the days I go in for them to bring it forward more, I can't eat solid food for like, two to three days. I eat my first solid food today and it was some tater tots. I had to bite them in half and chew really slowly, but I did it. It's currently day 2 if you were wondering.
Also also I missed a zoom call with my friends and now I feel guilty and like I want to drown everything in the pit where my heart should be because sometimes I wonder if it would be better to have no emotions.
Don't worry, I'm not okay.
Stay safe kiddos, listen to that quality emo music and sob about the hopelessness of life (like I am right now).
All my love <3<3<3
~Ink
