Saturday, April 25, 2020
So Wattpad's being difficult, I'm half considering death for various reasons, and I really wish I could gather the courage to ask to talk to a therapist because boy do I want to unpack some stuff with someone who unravels thoughts and feelings for a living.
And gods, the mood swings I've had through one day is freaky.
This morning I'm sleepily satisfied, happy to just be and read some fluffy family-oriented fics and stay in bed.
Then boom, lunch happens and I start to just feel slightly off base, like something's not quite right and I'm not quite there in the moment but I ignore that like an idiot and just take it as it comes.
Then I sneak off and hide in a nice corner to write and listen to music, which helps. And I'm kinda happy, in a quiet sense of peacefulness.
Then it's ~movie time with the fam~ and I'm just slightly uncomfortable/uneasy but it's fine...
And then it's dinner and I'm just not feeling quite right, like all the fight is starting to drain out of me.
And then my parents start talking about exercising. And seriously, what they said shouldn't have set me off internally, they didn't say anything directed at my weight or the thickness of my thighs or the folds of my stomach but my mind took me there and now I'm trying to pretend to listen to my parents while trying to block out the thoughts and I just want to run away from the conversation and up to my room for the rest of the night but I can't because it's still ~family movie time~
And so there I am, watching a movie I know the plot of because I've read the books and know what's coming so I can't escape the thoughts and feelings not connected to the movie and yet again I just want to leave and hide in my room for the rest of the night but no I must be a "polite person and not ruin family movie night because my sister hasn't seen the movies yet and goddamnit Ink can't you do something right" says my anxiety, bursting into scene
And then finally, finally it's done and I can go and gods by the time I'm ready to write and help release/redirect my emotions I only have an hour and a half at the very most and I need at least two hours and gods I only have half an hour left and I don't know what this chapter turned into and don't I have to update a couple stories tonight or tomorrow and don't I have ~family time~ planned for tomorrow and school work and gods I haven't had a shower in four days because nobody knows how bad it makes me feel to excuse myself from a ~social commitment~ even if that's just my family watching an episode of something or videos on YouTube (no good ones either) so I haven't been able to take one at night and I can't in the morning because that's when my parents shower and I can't take their water and then it's too late and school's going on and no one's going to see me so it doesn't matter and then I spend three hours just decompressing after school but suddenly I'm being selfish and an angsty teenager and god Ink can't you be yourself? You know, the you that was just a better mask and better at repressing and better at passing as the perfect daughter and perfect child even though you didn't even know what you felt because that wasn't valid if it didn't fit the mold and you had to be exactly what was expected of you so you became that and now that you can't fake it anymore you aren't as accepted because you're not what we thought you were and god you're such a disappointment Ink, why can't you just fake it for longer?! Why can't you be the perfect daughter you used to be, why can't you continue those perfect grades you used to get, why do you have a B in math when you've had As your entire life and god why do you have to be so snarky about our religion, you never acted like this when you were younger and why do you spend all your time away from us, honestly! You never were this introverted and angsty when you were younger! God Ink, can't you be the perfect daughter you used to be?
The quiet, polite, open daughter who spent all her time with her family. Who had all As and loved everyone. Who never had a bad word for her teachers. Who never hated anyone. Who spent all her time in books. Whose beliefs are yours. Who believed in God so devotedly. Who wore dresses and skirts without question. Who ate whatever was given to her. Who always wanted to marry a good young Catholic/Christian man. Who was shy but didn't mind people. The perfect daughter.
Not the quiet, sarcastic, locked and sealed daughter who spends all her time in her room (her safe place). Who has As in all but two classes. Who hates certain teachers she pretended or pretends to like to their face. Who hates so many with a burning passion but can never say. Who spends all her time in books or her phone (fics and writing but you do not know that, do you?). Whose beliefs contradict yours (though you do not know it yet). Who is having uneasy vibes in her faith (little do you know she has given up your god). Who refuses dresses and skirts and gender norms and wears pants at every turn. Who has certain tastes that do not conform with what is typically loved in her household (whether you know of them or not). Who wishes to never marry or date. Who is shy and nervous all the time, especially around unknown people. The angsty teenager.
Oh how the tables have turned, she whispers to herself as she cries in the dead of the night, seeking comfort in fiction, worlds that exist only in her mind, and people online who share her passions. Oh how I have fallen, she thinks to herself as she contemplates the changes she thought were beautiful just twelve hours ago. I wonder, if I killed myself, would they mourn? Oh yes, my friends would mourn me, as would the ones online, hopefully. But would they mourn me, would my parents and relatives mourn me? After all, what has my father said about suicide? Oh yes, they never got their heads out of their *sses to see their errors. She laughs sadly to herself, knowing how wrong those words are and how sickening they have made her feel to hear. What would he have to say about a daughter who committed suicide? She was, after all, in your mind, perfect. Yes she had her problems, her mistakes and messes, but she still had no real reason to do it... or so you would think, I believe. I truly don't know, do I? And as I cannot commit suicide as that would show you all right, I guess I shall never know. But I do wonder, what it would be like, to be dead. To finally be free of everything. To just, let go
Tell your friends how much you truly love them, how much he'll it would be to you without them. And please, mean it. Be real, be vulnerable. Tell the, how you truly, truly, deep deep deep down, feel. You never know what wars are waged in their minds.
Stay safe kiddos.
I love you all so much more than you will ever know. <3<3<3<3
~Ink
