Late Night Thoughts

Day 47

Saturday, May 23, 2020

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Recently, I've been noticing something with myself that's worrying but I don't know how to stop.

I've been withdrawing from human contact. And it's not just that, it's choking on my worries and thus withdrawing from humans because what if they don't actually care? What if they don't actually like me or enjoy my company? What if it's all an act because who would ever actually like me?

The thoughts just keep building and building, that I'm so pathetic for doubting my friends while at the same time saying I'll fine myself abandoned and alone because they're only putting up with me. That I'm so stupid for not seeing my friends' texts and a horrible person for not replying. That I've made so many mistakes and one day they're going to all come rushing back and suffocate me. That I've tricked everyone into liking me and seeing me as a great person but I'm actually a bad person.

Because what kind of person am I? Some two faced liar that's what! I act so differently around so many different people, they'd be shocked to see the other me's there are. And I lie so much, when I say I'm fine but I'm not, when I claim I finished all my work but in reality I still have two or more classes to do, when I say I agree but I don't, when I say I'll reach out to people but I don't because I don't want to worry them, because I can't worry them, they can't know how broken this girl is.

So I'm hiding from society, because the stress is too much, I can't keep being what people want me to be, I can't keep being what they expect from me, I can't be who they insist I am, I'm not what they think I am, I'm not okay, I'm not acing my classes I'm doing what they say to do and not anything deeper, I'm not learning, I'm not in agreement I just am saying "yes" to keep from starting a fight, I'm not letting anyone know how broken I am because they'll never look at me the same again and I can't take that pressure and expectation and the shattering of dreams that they dreamt up for me.

I'm not okay I'm never okay, bUT I CAN'T SAY THAT!

I can't say how much it hurts and hurts and hurts, how the pressure just rises higher and higher until I'm frantically trying to keep my head above water and it's almost to my chin and I'm just trying to stay afloat but I keep telling others that I'm standing on dry land because I got this, I'm perfectly fine. And they believe me. Or if they don't believe me, they don't say anything. 

And I have ideas but I'm so emotionally drained and dull that all I do is record them for a later date when I can actually do it and just  f e e l  again.

The only thing I can keep up is this, because this is the only place I can release all my emotions because even if you all hate me after this I'll survive because I'm getting it off my chest and just scream-writing because I can't scream in real life at all and it helps so much, to just lay it all out and know I'll be truly okay no matter what because writing is the only way I can express myself without completely hating everything about me that taints it. 

Sometimes I wonder of it was worth it to get an account because all it feels like is that I'm deceiving you all, but then I remember that the "me" you piece together from everything I am on this is just that: me. It's all the different me's and the true one. It's my cold, analytical, and professional side. It's my emotional wreck of a human disaster. It's my stressed, anxious, worried child. It's my lying, two faced side that longs to feel loved but can't trust love it's shown because what if they're lying? It's my snappy, sarcastic, moody b*tch queen who isn't taking anything from anyone. It's my creative, scatterbrained, forgetful side that loves without question. It's my murder-bent, chaotic, rage machine that holds too many weapons than physically possible. It's my self love, self positivity, and self worth that fights so hard to make myself and others reconsider how beautiful they are. It's all me. All. Me. 

And maybe people hate that. Maybe they like it. Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe, the only thing that I needed was to calm down and remind myself to open up more. And maybe, maybe the only way I could do that was by thinking this through and sorting out my emotions through my pride and joy: writing. 

Because even if this is in my head, as Dumbledore once said, "Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

Stay safe over there kiddos, and please make sure to have at least two full meals if not three. If you're going to skip on full meal, at least have a small snack instead.

I love you all <3<3<3<3

~Ink