GENERAL X (Author's Reco)

Send Off

LISA

After Jennie was discharged from the hospital, she insisted that she's coming with me in our house first so she can get more of her stuff.

I told her I'll be the one to send it to her Dad's house so she can rest already but she really want to come.

When we're done collecting her stuff, she didn't pick any of our vinyl records. But she listened to Miles Davis inside the music room while lying her back on the couch. The door is slightly opened and i peeked and saw her wiping her tears. It's more painful to see my wife crying. Crying because of my stupidity.

I knocked and she lifted her body to sit.

"Come here." She said and she made me sit beside her.

"Lisa, promise me one thing." She said while she took my hand.

I looked at her and we're actually both crying.

"You will take care of yourself ok? You can go home to your parents anytime. Call me when you're sick. Call me if something happens. Call me when you need a friend." Jennie said while cupping my face and wiping my tears.

I kneeled in front of her.

"Jennie....Jennie, i know i don't deserve your forgiveness. I know I should suffer. But Jennie, i am asking for another chance. Please? Please? I promise i won't force you to forgive me. I will sleep on the guestroom. I will take care of you and our baby. Just...just stay here, Jennie." I begged. She cupped my face again and caressed with her thumb.

"Lisa, i want to be healed. Not for me. But for our baby, Lisa. I hope you understand. I don't want to be mad at you even if you hurt me so much. I don't want to get angry with you. If I continue to stay here with you, i might ruin what's left between us. Until nothing will be left. We might empty ourselves. We should have something retained to ourseves, Lisa. This is not easy for me too. But we have to face this. We have to learn to value what's left.
I love you and and you know that. Whatever kind of love will it be in the future, I'm sure you still have this special place in my heart, Lisa. You're my first love. You're my dream.

You're my dream.

But we need to wake up and face reality that sometimes, love is not enough.
I was not enough for you. Because if I was, you wouldn't cheat.
I was too selfish that I married my job too that sometimes I forgot that I must have more time with you but I kept choosing my work. Not realizing that i am already giving you less of my time."
Jennie said and she sobbed.

"No. Jennie, you're more than enough. You gave me so much of your time. You're perfect. You made me feel the love more than I deserve. You're the perfect wife anyone would be so blessed to have.
But I am stupid and chose to be on this mess. I am so stupid for hurting the only woman I love. I am a coward for not fighting for what is right. I was weak and let myself crushed by temptation. I was wrong. What I did was so wrong and unforgivable.
I am sorry Jennie. I am sorry that I did not become that dream. I am sorry for becoming the person you didn't expect me to be. I am sorry for hurting you. I am really really sorry for disappointing you.

I am sorry and I regret that I cheated on you. I regret it. If only i could turn back time and make things right, i really would so I won't lose you. I won't lose us.

But I lost you already. Because I am a coward.
And you don't deserve to be hurt by someone like me.

I am sorry."

She kissed me. She kissed me with passion. She kissed me like the first time we kissed. This kiss I have always been craving for. Jennie's kiss that warms my heart and gives me comfort. The kiss that will no longer be mine as soon as we step out of our house.

We expressed to each other for the last time.
I already calmed her after a while since it might affect her and our baby already. I took a glass of warm water for her and when she's totally calm, I drove her to her Dad's house with all her stuff.

Sending off your wife to another place and you'll just be alone from now on and not having her in your arms anymore-----shit, I just want to vanish right away. Because my heart...my heart is in so much pain for hurt the woman I love, and our hearts are no longer beating as one.

God, punish me and please heal Jennie as soon as possible. Just me, punish me in any way you wanted. I deserve all the pain.

I took all her stuff at the compartment and she waited for me. I carried those as we walk towards their door and her arm snaked on my arm. Her Dad welcomed us with his teary eyes.

Now it's time to say goodbye.

"You will still join me on my monthly check up right?" Jennie said as she held my hand.

I nodded but my eyes are becoming red and watery again,

"Jen, call me anytime ok? Anytime. I will protect you, you and our baby. Please know that I am always here for you." I said and she hugged me tight.

"I love you." I whispered and took a deep breath.

Her hug became tighter and it lasted for few minutes.

"You take care." She said.

She looked at me in the eyes while her hands are still on my nape and mine on her waist.

"Goodbye" she said.

I just nodded and went to my car.

Drove myself home.

Dropped my body on the bed.

Stared blankly somehwere while my tears are falling from my eyes.

Feeling lost.

Feeling empty.

Dizzy.
Choking.
Out of breath.

The house became so dark and gloomy.

My chest is so heavy.

My muscles are weak.

My body is like floating. Floating in guilt, pain and sadness.

Alone.