GENERAL X (Author's Reco)

Smoke & Tears

LISA

It's been four months that Jennie and I are not together anymore and it's been really hell for me.

One day, I turned on the TV and searched for a news channel. Didn't go to work again today.
As i was switching channels, I stopped clicking when Jennie is on the news. She's in a fashion event in Seoul and being interviewed. Her bump is slightly showing up. It's small and Jennie still looks so sexy. I increased the volume and listened to her while i am drinking my 7th bottle of beer in the couch.

Reporter: Mrs. Manoban, are the rumors true about you and the General? You're already divorced?

Jennie smiled at her and answered the questions confidently.

Jennie: No. Not true at all. We are still married.

She said and smiled. Protecting me.

R: What can you say about her recent failed mission that took two of his men's lives?

Jennie: Lisa has always been the General who makes sure we are all safe. But she is also a human being. She gets tired too. She gets hurt. She fails. She wins. In short, this is what we call life. I believe everything happens for a reason and I am sure, Lisa did her best.

Yes. I did. But my best wasn't good enough.

I have been absent for few weeks already, well, with alternate days. I don't feel like going to work. I just wanted to drink, lie down in bed, listen to silence and stare blankly on the ceiling. It has been my routine.

My body is too weak that I couldn't focus on our recent operation and we failed.

My parents would visit me but I just go back to bed when they're downstairs cleaning my house because i have no strength anymore.

The pain is still here. Still killing me softly inside.
Guilt is even my second name already.

I only get to smile whenever I would pick her up for her check up. The Doctor said we will know the gender next month.

Jennie is still good to me. Though she avoids to look at me in the eyes most of the time. She is casual to me and I am just being myself whenever i'm with her.

There was a time when we ate in a restaurant after one of her check ups. We were approached by some strangers and asked us if it is true that we separated already. Jennie was the one who answered them.

Everytime she's asked by people about her wedding ring, she would answer she kept it as she has gained a little weight and it feels a little tight on her finger.

Sometimes i would really feel bad when I am seeing her protecting me from the media. She protects my position, me as a person and my own personal life. Until now, I am still wondering what did I do to deserve her? What I did was hurt her and put her in pain that I don't know how she manage to deal with every night. I am more guilty.

There are days that i would just prefer drinking than eating. I still couldn't accept what has become of us. I am scared that one day this separation would really lead to divorce. Jennie said she will but not now. She still cares for me. But with love, it's no longer the love she has for me anymore.

How can I push myself to her when all I did was hurt her. I checked on her everyday through Dad. He said she's always making sure her pregnancy is the priority. But Dad said, Jennie is still crying everyday. She remembers what i did everyday.

One morning, i got a sad news from the government .
They sent me a letter of suspension.

JENNIE