my diary

October 14 2021

it's fall break!! it's actually the second day of break. it's also one of my best friends' birthday!! her party isn't until 23rd though. anyway some things went down at school on Tuesday that you should know. even though it was Tuesday, it was like Friday because we had a two day week for fall break. in literature, we went to the library. if you don't need to be checking out a book, there's a few places you could sit. two of my friends sat on a couch and I sat on a couch in front of them. they are both boys, they both have a girlfriend, and we were the only people over there. I know where you might think this could be going, but just keep reading. they started whispering to each other with a pillow over their faces. KEEP READING!! then one of them said "two dollars?" and the other one said "yeah" then he came and sat by me. I was like "what.." and he put a pillow over our faces KEEP READING KEEP READING!!! and whispered "I was just telling him how if I wasn't dating Megan, I would be dating you" I said "..why would you tell me that?" he said "I dunno" and went back to the other couch. then they started whispering some more and he came back over to me. then he whispered "he wanted to know what you were going to say" I don't know wtf that means so I said "I said, why would you tell me that?" and he said "because, I like you." and I said "but, you have a girlfriend" and then the bell rang and we went to lunch. our class is split in the middle for lunch, so we came back to class after lunch. but we were in our classroom, not the library. it was only me and the guy's friend at my table that day. he came up and whispered something in his ear, and went back to his seat. then maverick (that's his name) said "okay, one question." I said "Maverick your scaring me." he said "so, would you date him?" THAT IS SUCH A LOADED QUESTION AND I'M ON THE SPOT I GET NO TIME TO THINK WHAT DO I SAY?? so I said "no, BUT I wouldn't date anyone. like he is really really hot. I've been wanting to like.. make out or something." and he just laughed. I know it was a dumb answer but I didn't know what else to say. I wanted to talk to him myself, but I ran out of time and now we are on fall break. after all that, I should want HIM right? but I'm still just thinking about Evan. I tried to kiss him on the bus again. I chickened out, again. I try to tell myself that it's not really and to pretend it's a wall or something, but everything is just so really when I look at him. this is so cheesy omg. anyway I dreamed about evan all night that night. just like every other night. why cant I just want the guy that wants me? but like I do want him. I guess we just want each other for different things. but I wanna DATE Evan. he's like the only boy I see myself dating. but I wanna do things with the other guy. if I ever date Evan (which, yes that's still in my mind because I just can't loose hope. I just need him so bad.) than I would need to do things with the other guy first. but I know that he wants a real girlfriend. he doesn't wanna just "do things" and I haven't even had my first kiss yet!! I wanna do things with him but don't think I even know how! I know that it would be easier to kiss him than it would be to kiss Evan though. but this guy has definitely had experience. he knows that he's doing. and I don't. also he's grounded for like a year, so we couldn't ever hang outside of school. and we're not allowed to kiss at school. but we could work around that. anyway I don't care who my first kiss is, I just wanna have it. I think that guy is the best option to have it with. he wants me, and I think he's really hot. and I know that he's down to do that kind of stuff. and it'll be easier to kiss him. and that would make me a little experienced so that I could kiss Evan. well I'm sorry this was all over the place, but I'm going to go now. bye!